I used to be one of those serial friend-fuckers. I was that girl—the universal sexual link who didn’t seem to know the meaning of “platonic.”
Whether the people in my close circle of friends turned into long-term partners, one-night stands or quasi-regular friends-with-benefits, I’ve seen most of my BFFs in a compromising position or two. This practice served me well for many years—we were already comfortable together, we’d gleaned each other’s hook-up styles from past love lives and sex stories, and I knew that they liked me for who I was, not what was in my pants.
However, this friendly familiarity also usually came with some assumptions. I guess the knowledge that I studied sex, am fascinated by all things sexually “taboo” and have an always-running, quite unladylike mouth set up some false notions of what I expected in bed, putting pressure on my partners-to-be to live up to an imagined, misinformed sexual standard. This is how I, unsuspectingly, got hot wax poured down my back.
I’m sure this isn’t the standard for all, but I would assume that most may take it easy the first time they sleep with a new partner. You know, feel it out, learn the lay of the land and then bust out the hot wax sometime down the road (maybe asking first). After a shocked jump, a slew of swear words and some ice, I learned that my well-intentioned friend had come up with his Hot Wax Special in response to feeling intimidated by my sexuality studies major and the resulting assumption that I had “done and seen it all.”
Basically, he burned me to impress me. It didn’t work.
What I’m trying to say is—whatever happened to good old vanilla, missionary sex? When done right, it’s great! I know many of my columns are about spicing it up, introducing new things and promoting toy use (all things I stand behind), but it’s also important to note that the regular standby can result in mind-blowing sex, too. Vanilla gets a boring rap. But a bad topping can easily ruin a delectable sundae. And if you shop around for a delicious French vanilla bean, you won’t want a topping anyway.
The missionary position, while generally defined as face-to-face, her-on-bottom heterosexual sex, can be any position you define as your stand-by, though face-to-face contact and penetration are generally missionary requirements. Ladies, this can be face-to-face using a strap-on or hands, and fellas, this could be face-to-face or from behind, whichever you find more intimate. It’s open to interpretation.
What’s important about missionary are the details. It’s generally viewed as the most intimate position; it fosters lots of kissing, eye gazing, and communication and allows the most body-to-body contact (often making top feel dominant yet caring and bottom feel wanted and protected).
Also, because missionary is usually people’s go-to position, the place they find themselves most often (whether it be for pounding quickies or slow “making love”), it’s also usually the position people orgasm from most often and easiest because it’s comfortable and practiced.
Because missionary is all about details, great missionary pays attention to the little things. Play with your partner’s hair, grab his or her butt to help with thrusting, perfect the moan they like, breathe in their ear, bite, suck, lick or create a mean hickey masterpiece. Vary missionary sensations by experimenting with new lubes and condoms and with penetration speed, depth and angle, upping the hotness by communicating about what feels good.
And because great missionary pays attention to the details and promotes a little dirty talk, it’s the perfect position for new partners getting to know what each other likes, loves, and would be willing to beg for more of.
Yes, spicing it up is great. But you also have to admit that it can be hard to focus on giving and receiving simultaneously during 69, that doing it up against a wall isn’t always very graceful, and getting frisky in the shower can uncomfortably wash away your hard-earned natural wetness. Sometimes vanilla is just better. And besides, hot wax doesn’t always make the best first impression.
