For those sneaking peeks at the Advocate’s back section who maybe shouldn’t be:
It may be hard to believe but I, too was born a virgin. Though it’s an amusing thought, I didn’t waddle around as a toddler handcuffing my stuffed animals and telling them about prostate pleasures. I knew nothing about this when I decided to have sex. Thanks to comprehensive sex education programs, I at least knew how to protect myself from STIs and unwanted pregnancies and where I could get the low-cost materials to do so. Program staff educated me about sexual relationships, birth control choices and, most importantly, didn’t tell my parents when I decided to use the pill.
Their confidentiality program’s a great idea but a middle-aged woman named Sharon “calling for Yana” on my family’s answering machine wasn’t too discreet. Shortly after that, I was trapped in my dad’s moving truck for The Sex Conversation. Jumping out of said truck would’ve hurt less, but having parents willing to talk to me helped make my decision to have sex an educated one.
I was lucky. In today’s sexually confusing world of prude high school sex education and unhelpful Google results, how do you make an educated decision about whether or not to have sex?
Abstaining from sex is one of many valid choices. But educating yourself about sex is still important so that if/when you “do it,” you’re prepared to be safe as well as satisfied. Sex can be scary. Accidental pregnancies happen and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) can be unpleasant, life-changing, or, in the case of HIV, lethal. However, many STIs are also preventable and treatable. Knowing the difference is key to healthy, pleasurable sex. Educate yourself about the causes, symptoms and transmission risks of STIs.
A quick visit to Tapestry will easily do the trick (see tapestryhealth.org for their eight Valley locations).
Learn how to properly use a condom, as putting one on wrong can drastically reduce its effectiveness. For more on why condoms are awesome, read my column “Love Your Latex.” Consider experimenting with lube, as it can prevent painful friction and make sex feel even better.
Amazing sex can be about orgasms and G-spots but first, amazing sex is about consent, communication and caring enough for yourselves and each other to stay physically and mentally healthy. Get these basics down and the orgasms will follow.
Seek consent! Consent is an informed agreement. A sex act is consensual when both parties actively agree to it without the influence of mind-altering substances, pressure or force. All parties must know what they’re agreeing to and can always change their minds. Consent is a verbal agreement, not something assumed because of “a vibe you were getting.” To give consent, you must have an honest understanding of your own sexual boundaries. Your decision to have sex should never be about control, pressure, bargaining or a need to get attention from a neglectful boyfriend/girlfriend.
Consent (and good sex) require communication. If you can’t talk to your partner explicitly about sex, you should not be having sex with him/her. Things to talk about include protection options, your likes and dislikes, and post-sex feelings because, even though your relationship may not be Facebook-official, a sexual relationship is still a relationship that will need processing.
You don’t have to make the great sex decision alone. While talking to friends and siblings is great because they get where you’re coming from, adults have more experience to share with you. If you’re lucky enough to be able to talk to your parents about sex, take advantage of it. If not, talking to another adult you trust is a great way to get information.
Use the Internet wisely. Scarleteen.com is a sex education site specifically for young people with information about consent, condom skills, a sexual readiness checklist and forums where you can read and share sexperiences.
Ask questions. Scarleteen.com, Tapestry and even little ol’ V-Spot are great places for answers. Most importantly, take care of yourself by educating yourself. Good sex starts with a good decision.
