At the sex toy store I worked at, it wasn’t uncommon for men to walk in, look around at the vibrators, harnesses and dildos and ask, “What’s in this for me and my penis? How do we get off around here?”
The obvious answers are masturbation sleeves (see “Penis Envy“(Sep. 30, 2010)) and cockrings (see “Feeling Cocky” (Dec. 2, 2010)). But if you’re reading this column, you probably know that it’s much more fun to think outside the box. Like the young man who, on a regular day at the sex-toy-selling office, breezed through the doors like a fresh breath and said to me “I’m… er… finishing too quickly for my girlfriend. I want to buy a harness and dildo so I can have sex with her for as long as she wants. Which one should I get?” Yes! Fellas–it’s time to consider strapping it on.
Two little birdies may now be on your shoulder, squawking in your ear. One might be chirping, “Strapping on a dildo is ‘gay’!” Why, oh, why is this always the fear about everything sexually exploratory for men? A sex act, such as penetrating your partner with a dildo, does not make you gay. Said partner’s being a man might, but even then, “gay” is a label for you to affix to yourself if you so choose. Besides, being gay isn’t so bad. I myself enjoy it.
The other birdie may be louder, saying, “Why would you strap on a substitute when you’ve got a healthy full-timer already attached?” A dildo is no penis. And to your partner, a dildo is especially not your penis. The physical connection between your partner and your flesh-and-blood body isn’t so easily replaced by a silicone object that can be detached and thrown under the bed. Past column “Who’s Afraid of the Big, Bad, Vibrator?” (March 10, 2011) addresses these fears. Voice your concerns to your partner.
Then get over them. Because strapping it on is all about variety. Whoever said that “variety is the spice of life” obviously meant to say “sex life,” and we want that stuff to be five-alarm-chili kind of spicy.
Using a dildo offers your partner a variety of sensations unavailable from biology alone. Where will you find a penis that’s purple, ripples, vibrates and is forever erect? Maybe your partner wants to go impossibly large, or is experimenting with anal sex for the first time and needs to start small.
Age, illness or injury may have gotten the best of your second-in-command. Or maybe your partner just can’t get enough penile penetration. Chances are an orifice such as a mouth, anus or vagina will have more stamina for penetrative sex than your right-hand man, who requires hormonal balance, specific blood flow and physical and mental energy to… keep up. With a strap-on, you’ve got the opportunity to satisfy the insatiable. You could use the “real deal” for Round 1, a silicone stand-in for Round 2 and go back to the rested-and-rejuvenated “real deal” for a Round 3!
Strapping on a dildo gives you a whenever/wherever readiness and an all-night stamina that’s cheaper and safer than Bob Dole’s favorite little blue pill and more time-efficient than the meditated breathing of Tantric sex. Other bonuses include no pregnancy risk and not having to use those condoms you boys are always whining about because silicone dildos are easily disinfected with soap and water, boilable and dishwasher-safe. Now try doing those things with your penis. (Actually, please don’t.)
No matter what dildo you choose or your reasons for using one, strapping it on with a harness lets you use it hands-free with the good old hip-thrusting you know and love. Opt for a harness like the Terra Firma, with wide-set leg straps that’ll let George-of-Your-Jungle swing free, or tuck it in with the Spareparts Joque Harness’ jockstrap design. The Spandex Harness is a pair of biker shorts equipped with a dildo harnessing ring and the Menage-a-Trois harness is made specifically for double penetration with one ring to go over your physical penis and a second for a dildo of your choice.
The only question left for those birdies to chirp now is, “Which dildo should you get?” See column “Dil-dos and Don’ts” (Feb. 24, 2011) for answers.
