I’m the breakupper who likes to disguise the demise of my relationships as something else. I like to call my breakups “breaks” or an “attempted open relationship,” or blame them on an early “mid-mid-life crisis” and then feign shock when the relationship “organically” dissolves. (Good thing I give sex advice more than relationship advice, eh?)
As the breakuppee I’m better behaved, but not by much. I’m eternally, pathetically hopeful for a reconciliation and completely devote my energy to manipulating my ex into loving me again.
I’m a firm believer that it’s just as hard to do the breaking up as it is to get broken up with. The breakupper, often (and sometimes rightfully) labeled the villain, is forced to quietly deal with the pain that comes from hurting and losing a person they care for while also generally sacrificing custody of mutual friends and weekly poker nights as punishment. As for the breakuppee, well—you just got dumped, poor thing.
Breakups are never the clean, delicious snap that occurs when a Kit Kat bar gives you a break. They’re made out of an entirely different kind of candy—more like the slow, sticky pulling apart of taffy that you just can’t get off your fingers because napkins stick to the stuff. Avoid the icky relationship residue with a few helpful hints from my many taffy-like learning experiences.
1. Call the break-up what it is. “Renaming” just prolongs the inevitable, is not any less hurtful and wastes valuable healing time.
2. Social networking is the enemy. The second you get Xed out, X out your ex on Facebook, Twitter, blogs and your cell phone (assuming that your technologically fried brain has forgotten how to memorize phone numbers). A few definitive clicks and you’ll avoid a world of pain from wondering if a status update like “just shampooed my hair” means your ex-girlfriend now has clean locks or if, according to your heartbroken mind, it actually means that she just cleaned (and waxed) her pubic hair in preparation for a hot, hairless sex session with your best friend.
Similarly, don’t write online updates about your breakup or ex. There’s no better way to get “un-friended” than pity posting and there’s nothing more awkward than when a friend you suspected always had the eyes for your ex “likes” your new shattered relationship status. Sure, the breakuppee may have some license to post new scantily clad profile pictures to show the breakupper what she’s missing, but it stops there.
3. Don’t sleep together after the breakup! Ok, maybe just once. No! It is the worst! Though you may think it’s the worst because it gives you both a false sense of back togetherness, it’s actually the worst because post-breakup sex is usually better than the sex you were having when you were together. And that’s just torturous.
4. Don’t try to be “just friends,” especially when ending a long-term relationship. Everyone knows “Let’s be friends” actually means “Stay close to me so I can grasp onto the last, slipping straws of our loving heyday while practically peeing on you like a dog any time anyone remotely attractive interacts with you.” That’s not friends. That’s territorial and creepy. You will never be friends. You will always be exes. The best you can wish for is to be friendly exes which, when done right, can be better than “just friends” anyway.
5. Though a rebound menage-a-trois with Ben & Jerry is mind-numbingly appealing, there are healthier approaches to stress relief, like yoga or boxing …or a real rebound. Sure, we all publicly dissuade our friends from making such a “damaging” choice, but secretly, we all know it’s the best medicine. However, a successful rebound must be a one-night stand (not a faux relationship) and not with a friend or anyone remotely resembling your ex in looks or manner.
6. Finally, remember that just because you break up doesn’t mean you have to be broken down. (Though it never hurts to have a hot, sweaty mechanic take a look under the hood.)
