In 2001, Justin Cascio was living with his dominatrix girlfriend in Brooklyn when he met Kevin Collins, who was also living with a girlfriend. They had a lot in common. Justin and Kevin were both transitioning from female to male. And they were both polyamorous.
Life was busy. The timing wasn’t great. But they took the leap, breaking up with their girlfriends and starting a romantic relationship with each other.
They moved to Northampton 10 years ago and got married. Now Justin, 40, writes nonfiction for a living; Kevin, 48, is a software programmer. They’re deeply in love. And from day one, their relationship has been open to outside partners.
Both recently shared their thoughts on making a polyamorous marriage work. The following interviews have been edited and condensed.
Justin on sexuality: Kevin identifies mostly as gay, and I identify as bisexual. When we moved to this area, we looked into the trans community first. Out of those people, we quickly found those with lifestyle things in common, and polyamory is a big one of those. We wind up with a lot of trans guys. In addition to finding each other sexy, trans guys can usually understand one another pretty well.
Kevin on defining polyamory: When I think of the word “poly,” I think of relationships. For me, poly life is about connecting with people who want to be friends and who also like to have sex. Generally, there’s some intimacy and warm emotion that goes along with that. But I don’t have enough emotional energy to do more than one serious relationship at a time.
Justin on traditional marriage: Our marriage is traditional in most respects. I cook. He mows the lawn. We keep a single checkbook. There’s a retirement plan. We want to buy a house. And then we leave open the possibility of having romantic and sexually intimate relationships outside our marriage.
Justin on maintaining multiple relationships: My last girlfriend … She didn’t integrate. It was too hard. She and Kevin didn’t click. People have to be able to meld — I can’t be in two families. And that was extra complicated, because this girl was also seeing the guy that Kevin was primarily involved with other than me. That tension pulled on things.
I was with [another] woman who really wanted to have a child with me. But how much would I really be able to give to that and still be committed to my marriage?
Kevin on jealousy: [Justin is] not a commodity. When he’s with someone else, I don’t feel like someone’s getting something that I’m not. It’s not a zero-sum game. Still, no poly life is without jealousy. Nobody is as self-actualizing as they would like to think. So Justin and I just expect a huge amount of honesty from each other. We’re sticklers for it. That’s what makes it work.
Justin on new relationships: If I’m thinking about getting involved with someone, Kevin will know. And we both have veto power over each other’s dating life. I don’t think a lot of other poly relationships have that veto power. But it works for us. We don’t exercise it unless we think something is going to threaten our marriage.
Kevin on honesty: What am I? I’m a middle-aged bald fat guy who programs for a living, and nobody looks at me twice. But, really, I’m a kinky, daddy-ish, trans, radical queer lefty. For a while I tried to be stealthy about all of that at work. But then I just started telling people. Hi, I’m trans! Did you know I went to Bryn Mawr? I got it over with. I’m fine with being the one trans person you know.
Justin’s parting words: When your husband still wants to have sex with you, and you have other people who do too, reality trumps your self-doubts.•
