Another year goes by, another high-tech sex toy hits the market: remote-controlled vibrators that respond to your moan intonations, masturbation sleeves shaped like your favorite porn star, and whatever else the kinky nerds come up with next. Your i-Brain might have you thinking that these futuristic gimmicks will make for a more orgasmic 2015, but if you really want to have better sex this year, it’s time to get back to the basics:
Lube it up. I don’t know where this rumor started that if you “need” lube, you’re somehow less into the sex you’re having. Who wants a fry without ketchup? A cookie without milk? A _____ thrusting in and out of their _____ without lube?
Natural lubrication fluctuates based on the person, what they ate, their hydration levels, and other variables that rarely have anything to do with you, insecure sexual partner, so slap on the slippery and get to slidin’ because painful friction isn’t fun no matter who or what or how you’re doing it.
Masturbate intentionally and creatively. We can all agree that getting touched by another person and touching ourselves are different experiences, but that doesn’t mean givin’ it to ourselves can’t be great. Supe up your self-lovin’ with some nice lube, a new sex toy, and spring for that awesome porn you’ve been eyeing instead of streaming whatever free crap is available. Take this solo opportunity to try new things you’ve been nervous about (cue anal beads, blindfolds, etc.) without having to worry about what your sweetie might think, how you look, or how you sound. Plus, practice really does make for the perfect O.
Talk. When two people get together to get freaky, they don’t come together (har-har!) in a vacuum. Seriously though, everyone’s got their own sexual baggage and desires. Having sex is often an experiment in making all the turn ons match up. This is made much harder when done silently.
Too often couples don’t talk out of fear that what they want “isn’t normal.” People in relationships often — falsely — assume their partners won’t want the same. Leave “normal” sex in 2014. Later!
I’m popping my champagne to discovering what’s normal for me, what’s normal for my partner and making those two versions of normal work for us. You assume she’s not into a threesome, but have you ever asked? Is staying away from rough sex-play a hard line for you? Talk about it! Trying new things in the sack can feel like a huge risk, so making sure the foundation of your relationship is sturdy enough to handle some sexy spanks can go a long way to avoiding missionary. If you can’t talk about the kind of sex you want to have, you certainly won’t be having it any time soon.
Be nice. In the age of Tinder and OKCupid, casual sex is more acceptable and accessible than it used to be. Woo!
But let’s stop confusing casual for heartless. Caring about your two-night-stand’s sexual pleasure and, yes, even feelings, doesn’t mean you’ve tripped and fallen into dating — it just means you’re not an a-hole. Good sexual aftercare can look like a spoon-heavy sleep over or even a high-five on your way out the door.
People (especially young people) are living in this new, casual hook-up culture that sort of glorifies very casual sex. Sometimes I think this leads to people treating sex, and the feelings that can come up with it, in a way that’s a little too casual. People try to distance themselves from the lovey-dovey, serious sex by making the afterglow almost mean or, at least, insensitive. It leads to better sex if everyone involved feels better about having gotten their rocks off.
Do something to acknowledge that parts of your body were probably just inside parts of this other person’s body and we’ll all be having better sex in 2015.•
Contact Yana Tallon-Hicks at y.tallonhicks@gmail.com.
