Dear V-Spot,
I’m very different with different women, in respect to how long I last before ejaculating. Wildly different. With some people I go quick, with some I have complete control and could go for an hour or two, getting off whenever I feel like it. With some people I can’t get off at all, and everything in between. Some circumstances, like drowsiness, affect it, too, but basically it’s the person. It doesn’t seem to be whether I’m extraordinarily attracted to the woman, and it doesn’t seem to be about whether I have strong feelings or not, either. I’ve had mixed results in regard to both of those. I assume it’s in my head, and I could always have complete control. I don’t drink or do any drugs, so that isn’t a factor.
— Bumming About Cumming
Hey B,
For me, orgasms definitely vary in regard to how easily they … come. What I ate that day, schoolwork stress, the last time I masturbated or, like you mentioned, how much sleep I’ve gotten all affect the ease, strength and enjoyability of an orgasm. The difference between you and me is that male orgasm tends to be the time-keeper in the (heterosexual) sack. Regrettably, once you pop, the fun often stops. So I can see why the variations may be extra stressful for you.
There are many things you can do to help gain control over your ejaculate. The obvious one is to take care of your penis. Taking good care of your penis goes hand-in-hand with taking good care of the rest of your body, but can also be more focused. Your kegels are a band of muscles cradling your pelvic floor, the sacred ground where your orgasms are born. While female-bodied folk have handy tools to help flex their funzone (like Lelo Luna Beads), dudes need to be a little more proactive. Yes, you have them and it’s time to start flexing. Stop your urine flow mid pee-stream and hold it for as long as you can. Stop and start the flow multiple times in a row. The stronger your kegels, the more control you’ll gain over how and when you ejaculate.
To gain control in the moment, mix it up in terms of strokes, positions and speed, stopping and starting often. Not only will this help pace your pleasure, but it’ll make you a better lay for your lady. Your member doesn’t have to be the center of attention. Fingers hit the G-Spot better than a penis does and I’ve heard a rumor that women really like this thing where you massage their clits with your tongue. Leave your penis out of it for a second and see how it goes.
If getting in touch with your body doesn’t work, get in your head. (No, not that one.) Either get your head deep into or out of the gutter, depending on the result for which you are going. Supplement your sex with a little fantasizing, as long as it doesn’t distract you from your real-life partner and her real-time pleasure. Alternatively, if you’re getting too riled up too soon and you suddenly realize that you can see the reflection of your babe riding you in the bedroom mirror, look away from the mirror. Control your physical stimulus by controlling your outside stimulus. Our brains are truly our biggest sex organ.
I have other clarifying questions: Do you always use the same condoms? What’s your masturbation schedule? Have you ever tried cock rings? But my real question is, what is this really about? You say quite definitively that you believe that it’s the person that determines how fast or slow you ejaculate, but then contradictorily say that it has nothing to do with how you mentally and/or physically feel about her. This makes me think that by saying “basically, it’s the person” you mean “basically, it’s the vagina,” but I don’t think that’s true.
Let’s stop bullshitting ourselves and give you the diagnosis you’ve already sort of given yourself: Your ejaculation variations are about your head, your body and — hate to tell you — your heart. Once you can acknowledge that all three of these wildly vacillating variables moderate your manjuice, you’ll have much greater awareness about what to do about it.•
