A housewife’s wet dream, Fifty Shades of Grey, hit the big screen this past month — and hit it hard.
The popularity of the book series, and now movie, has caused quite the stir in the practicing BDSM (bondage, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism) community, specifically around the movie overlooking what makes BDSM different from domestic violence, coercion, and abuse; namely, informed consent and responsible aftercare. No matter where you stand (or sit — good girl!) on 50 Shades, this debate has provided a great opportunity to revisit the importance of consent and — as this column will tackle — aftercare.
True BDSM practitioners know that the partner interactions and dynamics that occur before and after a BDSM “scene” are just as important as the action that happens during. Consent is heavily discussed beforehand and afterwards, when the cuffs come off, the submissive in the scene is pampered with “aftercare.” Oftentimes in the BDSM community, the “bottom” or “submissive” in a scene enters into what’s called “subspace,” an altered psychological state induced by intense physical and mental sensations, not unlike being high on drugs. The BDSM community’s best Tops (or Dominants) won’t start playing with a bottom without first knowing their aftercare program — the things that individual person requires in order to feel safe and appreciated after pushing their sexual boundaries. This can be anything from being wrapped in a snuggly blanket to being made a PB and J with the crusts cut off.
You don’t need to know BDSM 101 to know this: Whether or not you’re being consensually slapped around by your partner, everyone — vanilla to total kinksters — can benefit from a little aftercare. Whether you’re screwing a long-term partner for the 109th time or just had a casual roll in the hay with a barista, when the orgasms are done, anyone would appreciate a gesture that says, “Hey, thanks for sharing this extremely personal part of yourself with me, babe.”
BDSM requires more serious aftercare that pays attention to physical safety, like driving your bottom home so they don’t wreck the car in their altered state. With your regular Wednesday night sex, you might focus more on emotional health than physical. Aftercare doesn’t need to be overly sentimental, grand or even creative — it just needs to be an intentional display of acknowledgment, appreciation and humanity. Take a shower together, share a popsicle, help hunt down far-flung underwear, watch the latest episode of Broad City.
For the many things aftercare is, this is what aftercare isn’t: Sneaking out in the morning sans goodbye, acting ashamed/embarrassed/aloof, treating the person as a convenient collection of body parts, or otherwise refusing to acknowledge that you just banged.
I’m all for no-strings-attached, “emotionless” sex, but it’s impossible for good sex to happen without feeling. And where there’s feeling, there should be aftercare, with the general rule that the higher you fly, the softer you should pad the landing. This doesn’t mean your sex can’t be casual. Investing in your sexual experiences through aftercare doesn’t mean you’re investing in a relationship. If anything, aftercare is even more important for one-night stands and fuck buddies because, unlike with a serious sexual partner, you’re not practiced at reading their physical or emotional cues. Though you don’t need to assume responsibility for their feelings, as their sexual partner (no matter how fleeting), you’re a part of that experience, so respond accordingly.
Don’t know what they need? Ask! Aftercare is also a great investment in your sexual future because the better you care for your partner, the safer they’ll feel in bringing sex with you to new levels. Even if you were the top in the situation, aftercare ties up any loose emotional or physical strings that may have come up for you, too. Plus, being sexually nice feels good! If 50 Shades has whipped up some curiosity to explore BDSM and kink in your own sex life, I recommend you supplement the controversial blockbuster with some other female-written sources such as Carrie’s Story: An Erotic S/M Novel by Molly Weatherfield, or Tristan Taormino’s 50 Shades of Kink: An Introduction to BDSM.
Now, get me a popsicle.•
