Since the first time an Arab stuffed meat into a pita, the sandwich has been awesome. Sure, the Earl of Sandwich gave the lunchtime staple it’s name during a furious poker match, but the first recording of someone putting food between bread and eating it dates back to 110 BC when Hillel the Elder came up with the dish for Passover.
There’s no question why the sandwich has such international staying power: It’s simple, versatile, cheap, and delicious. But it seems there are people out there intent on sullying the sandwich by not giving the everyman entree the respect it deserves. The surprising thing is the folks doing the damage are the ones who profess to love food most: chefs and cooks.
Guys, it’s time we talk about sandwich standards. It’s time for reformation. I’m no sandwich aficionado, but I do keep a picture book of sandwiches from around the world on my desk, so yeah, I care. Take these suggestions to heart and your customers — myself included — won’t get so bent out of shape about paying $9 for a turkey club.
1. The salad sandwich. I opted for the sandwich. I said an enthusiastic hell, yes! to carbs. I don’t want to eat a ketchup- and mayo-covered plate of lettuce along with my lunch. Plus, you didn’t give me a fork.
2. The flaccid tomato. This applies to any old, watery vegetable that the menu says should belong on a sandwich. If it’s out of season, mealy, and old, please do not put it on my sandwich.
3. Bun integrity. I can’t over-stress the importance of this one. Juicy is great, but if the ingredients of a sandwich turn the bottom slice of bread to mush, it becomes an upside-down openface sandwich. Which might be okay if I had that fork.
4. Size matters. I’ve got to be able to fit the sandwich in my mouth. The joy of the sandwich is in the blend of ingredients. I don’t want the B without the L and T.
5. Enough meat. This one goes out to the delis of the world. I don’t know where this trend started, but many delis seem to believe that putting a pound of a meat on a sandwich is a good thing. I appreciate the sentiment behind the sandwich — wanting to give customers more. But unless you’re going to provide me with a doggie bag and a little packet of ice to keep the extra half-pound of coldcuts chill for the rest of the work day, I can’t eat it or use it.
6. Keep it together. When you bite a sandwich the patty or meat should not shoot out the back.
7. Never melt fresh mozzarella. It turns into rubber cement.
8. No veggie butts. This has to be my biggest gripe with sandwich makers, because it shows an intense lack of respect for the customer. In general, people don’t eat tomato stems, or big chunks of iceberg lettuce butt, so why put it in a sandwich? Did you want me to throw it out for you?
9. Bacon: Go crispy or go home. ’Nuff said.
10. Bad bread. The bread is the sandwich cover. It has to be enticing, so please make it fresh or at least not stale. And please make it the right size for the sandwich. I don’t want to eat an entire medium-sized loaf of bread for lunch.
11. American cheese as a default ingredient. Cheddar is better and more American. Originated in England and perfected in the U.S., Cheddar is the first cheese America exported, after all, and it predates what we think of today as American cheese by a couple of centuries.
12. Shredded iceberg lettuce. Every time you cut a leaf of lettuce it loses integrity and flavor. There’s no good reason to shred lettuce into a mess that cannot be contained by two pieces of bread. Also, I am capable of chewing something leafy and green.
Before I go nailing this to the front doors of all the sandwich shops and restaurants in town, ala Martin Luther and the Protestant Reformation, I want to invite readers — especially area chefs and cooks — to email me some of your declarations for the sandwich revolution. I’ll post the best ones online at www.valleyadvocate.com and on our Facebook page.•
Contact Kristin Palpini at editor@valleyadvocate.com.
