I’m in a relatively recent relationship, eight months, and my girlfriend is bisexual — not a problem — and polyamorous. I’ve known this from the beginning and I decided that I was okay with it. But I’m getting so heartbroken at the idea of her with someone else. Is there anything I can tell myself to help with that?
The deep emotional connection that she has with others isn’t a problem and it’s not like she sees 100 others. She just sees one guy, they don’t see each other often, they don’t make love together, and I’m her main relationship. But knowing that she speaks of him as her boyfriend and hearing her say she might love him, and especially their sharing of intimacy like kisses, hugs, maybe sleeping with him is driving me crazy.
She tells me that monogamy, for her, is possessive. For me, monogamy is the way to make someone special to you. How can I reconcile these two perceptions for the health of our relationship?
You are getting played and played hard.
I’m a believer in polyamory, open relationships, and non-monogamy as relationship styles people are free to choose that work for them and their partners.
Let me repeat that: in ways that work for them and their partners.
Polyamory seems to be “working” for your partner, MoMo, but it sure doesn’t seem to be working for you. Your use of the word “heartbroken” is one thing. Oscillating between “they don’t make love” and “maybe [she’s] sleeping with him” is quite another.
I’ve seen non-monogamous relationships flourish beautifully when done with intentionality, care and communication for and between all parties involved. And they flourish beautifully in this way because the only thing that separates non-monogamy from flat-out cheating is informed consent.
Informed consent means that all parties involved have all of the information they need to happily agree to the relationship style they are creating together. At the bare minimum, this usually means making mutual agreements about the general where/what/when/how of engaging with other partners. Informed consent means, MoMo, that you should be able to answer the question, “Is your girlfriend having sex with her boyfriend?” Which you clearly cannot. Not only is this for the care of your emotional health, but knowing what your sexual/romantic partners are doing with their other sexual partners is an important part of maintaining your physical sexual health.
Yes, monogamy can feel possessive for some people. Yes, being bisexual and navigating your attraction to two very different sets of genitalia is a valid struggle.
But, as a bisexual/queer lady myself, let me tell you that being bisexual doesn’t mean that you suddenly can’t commit to relationship arrangements. Your girlfriend’s bisexuality doesn’t mean she isn’t accountable for your feelings and needs as your self-appointed primary partner.
To her, monogamy is possessive. To you, monogamy means committing yourself to that special one-and-only. Both are equally valid relationship choices. So, if that’s what you want to do then do it! But it sounds like that’s not something you can do with her. No big loss to you, MoMo, as she seems like a dishonest, selfish lady anyway.•
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