My girlfriend and I are in college and we’ve done some like really, really basic BDSM: blindfolding, a little handcuffs, and some bondage stuff, but nothing serious. Now we want to do some tying down. What would you suggest?
Like a bad sex columnist, I just watched 50 Shades of Grey for the first time (and never read the book). Like a good sex columnist, I read the countless reviews and critiques of the material, in which many people panned 50 Shades as partner-abusive, non-consensual garbage — which it is.
But nothing — nothing — could have prepared me for how horrible that movie actually is. The sad, lip-biting acting aside, the fact that 50 Shades has inspired so many formerly vanilla folk to experiment with kink and BDSM makes me honestly afraid. So, TG, I’m beyond happy that you’ve chosen to do your research instead of blindly swinging a flogger around in the dark as you mime the idiotic, abusive fictional character Christian Grey.
This brings me to my first piece of advice, TG: never, ever watch that movie or read that book. Keep your dirty, filthy, kinky mind pure (well, at least in that regard). Otherwise, keep doing (what it seems like) you’re doing which is making some nice, slow, well-researched progression into one of my favorite places, Kinksville.
Communicate clearly with your girlfriend every step of the way. Make individual lists of activities you would like to do together. Switch lists. Next to each item your girlfriend wrote down on her list (and she’ll do the same with your list) state how interested you are in doing that activity with Yes/No/Maybe (noting any caveats like “I’m interested in rope play, but only in doing the tying”). Having these conversations outside of the adrenaline-boosting, judgment-clouding, throes of passion isn’t only hot foreplay, but makes everyone’s decision-making a little clearer and also introduces the most important thing when it comes to getting down to it: consent.
This month, I’ve been bopping around colleges and high schools giving consent workshops. Consent is active. It requires an enthusiastic yes, not just the absence of no. Consent is achieved when people are sober and enter into sexual contact without being pressured. Consent is an ongoing process. Just because you said yes doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind.
These crucial pillars of consent are even more important in BDSM scenarios where limits are being played with and pushed.
Then get knotty!
Skip the neckties and fuzzy metal handcuffs and get yourself some quality gear: most sex toy shops sell Japanese silk rope for under $20. It’s soft, colorful and can be used to do a variety of fun bondage as detailed in Back on the Ropes by Two Knotty Boys. Neckties and other ropey things you have lying around your dorm room might link your sweetie to a bedpost, but they can also tighten around her body unsafely. Learning some proper knots is sailor-sexy for your submissive and safe.
Invest in some safety scissors which slide seamlessly between a wrist and a rope and keep them by the bed: you never know when a fire, earthquake or surprise visit from mom might happen.
Check your honey’s extremities often — if they’re blue/cold/tingly, loosen your knot or cut her out of it.
Never tie a knot around a joint like a knee or elbow, and get her a proper collar rather than dangerously tying a rope around her neck. Nothing kills the mood faster than a trip to the ER, so safety first.
If cuffs are your calling, inspire your bottom to go ahead and try to break free by putting her in something she can really pull against without cutting herself. There is some truly beautiful bondage gear out there, including my favorite Pink Candy Cuffs by ASLAN Leather. Cheaper options include velcro cuffs, bondage tape, or the easy-to-use and versatile under-the-bed restraint system.
Finally, your best kink investment is a good introductory book like Tristan Taormino’s 50 Shades of Kink. Or get some smutty inspiration with some bondage erotica printed by Cleis Press.
Happy tying, TG!•
