Dirty dishes piling up? There’s an app for that. Handy, the home-cleaning service, lets you summon a freelance cleaning crew (or a gardener, or a handyman) at the push of a button. The NYC-based company, which turned three in July, is valued at half a billion dollars. Welcome to the “1099 economy,” where independent contractors are finally meeting lazy people halfway (well, maybe more than halfway).
Some call Handy the “Uber of housecleaning,” since it resembles the on-call black car service offered to city slickers who find hailing a cab too exhausting. But why stop there? We’re burdened with so many responsibilities these days. Help us out, entrepreneurs, and get these apps up and running ASAP:
∎ Stop wondering how bad you smell — wave your smartphone in front of you and let science do the rest. Olfactor measures your body heat, analyzes those sweat-soaked molecules wafting from your Green Lantern T-shirt, and estimates how much longer you can stand to put off laundry day.
∎ Not stuck in traffic on the way to the office? Now you can be! Optimize your late-to-work excuses by opening Traffix when you wake up. The app tracks the morning’s real-time road delays, doubles the total, then automatically emails your boss with the arrival time that’s best suited to you.
∎ We’ve all been there: Microeconomics is a big part of your grade, but the professor drones on like Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. But there’s no need to pay attention in class — go ahead and take that siesta. Napper Keeper, your digital note-taker, turns on automatically when your breathing and heart rates drop to sleep levels. It does the listening for you, then types up notes for you to review (or ignore) at semester’s end.
∎ It’s hard to get outraged about every little thing, but your friends think of you as a champion complainer. Don’t let them down. With iPoplectic you can automate your reactions to things that piss you off. Search the database of annoying topics — from Aerosols to Zionism — choose your faves, and let the app tweet up-to-the-minute snark on your behalf. Plus, the app’s premium version comes with GPS proxy service, so you can check in at political protests you didn’t actually have time to attend.
∎ Going for routine doctor visits are a pain in the neck — especially when you don’t have a pain in your neck. Skip the needless in-person check-ins by using Physicle, an app that alerts your primary care physician to the fact that you’re totally fine. Just run through the list of things that might be wrong with you, check off “Probably Not,” for each, and hit send. Look at that — we just spared you a headache.
∎ The already-popular mobile app Push for Pizza takes laziness to a whole new level — open the app, press one button, and a pre-specified delivery order is placed at your local pizzeria. The only thing that could make the idea better? Ours. Download the new-and-improved Push For Two Pizzas, set those toppings just the way you like, and enjoy double the calories whenever you want.
∎ Some blame our collective apathy on eroding social skills. But maybe we just don’t like talking to people because people suck. That’s the idea behind MyBubble, a new app that safeguards your personal space by emitting a high-pitched shrieking noise whenever someone steps within three feet of you. Small-talkers, begone! Works especially well in elevators.
∎ Gift-giving is the worst. Thankfully, the last 20 years gave us gift cards. But it’s 2015 — who has time to go buy gift cards anymore? Act like you’re still there for people with Present. Upload a list of lucky giftees, and the app will email them on their birthdays asking them to purchase a $20 gift card from a store of their choice. The cost is withdrawn from your bank account automatically. Good giftin’, Tex.
∎ Sitting on the toilet too long, distracted by your smartphone? You need Scat!, an app that reminds you to get off the can. When you arrive in the bathroom, set the Scat! timer before you open Candy Crush. When the alarm goes off a few minutes later, pocket that device and zip up. Congratulations — you’ve just lifehacked your bathroom routine.
∎ Thinking up silly names for mobile apps can be draining. Thankfully there’s Huntr, a new and improved robotic software programmed to do the work of finishing this article, allowing Hunter to sign off from his day job, log onto Kickstarter, and finally get some of these great ideas funded.•
