I’ve been with my boyfriend for six years and he was my first and only sexual partner. Sexually we struggle. Well, I struggle. The thought of having sex is like a chore. I try really hard to do it even when I don’t want to because I know he needs that and it’s a necessary part of our relationship. He isn’t forceful or anything; I just feel bad. Once I can get myself past the initiation of it, it can be enjoyable. I’m career-oriented and my focus isn’t on the relationship. The sexual aspect of it just isn’t important to me and I don’t want to do it.
However, I think about sleeping with other people all the time and I even told him that. He told me if I wanted to have a one night stand I could if I never saw that person again.
This idea is appealing because I sometimes think I might be taking my boyfriend for granted, but I just don’t have much to compare him to. I don’t know that I could actually go through with it though. It’s basically an okay to cheat! He also says I couldn’t be mad if he does it as well. I might be fine with this because I know I don’t fulfill his needs as a man.
We love each other and talk about long term. So, why don’t I want to have sex with my boyfriend? Does sleeping with someone else put me in an open relationship or is that just a hall pass? Will it work or ruin everything?
This is A LOT! So here’s some quick-and-dirty advice:
1.) Open relationships can be great! But I don’t think it’s a viable option for you two at this time as there’s other work that needs doing here.
2.) Stop having this chore-sex that you outright say you don’t want to be having. Sex doesn’t need to be forceful in order to be nonconsensual, BotC. Being together for six years does not negate the need for consent — meaning, you and your boyfriend both saying an enthusiastic “Yes!” to the sex you’re both enjoying together and actively negotiating until you can get there.
3.) No one has ever died of blue balls and your boyfriend’s penis doesn’t need you. This antiquated, sexist, bullshit reasoning that women need to submit to men because men need to get off is a social set-up. In many ways it works against both men and women and certainly against consensual, loving, good sex and it’s a set-up that your boyfriend is (subconsciously or consciously) using to his benefit.
4.) A side-effect of this set-up is you “feeling bad,” as you say, about your “struggle.” This isn’t your problem, BotC. You not wanting this non-forceful yet ickily initiated sex that feels like cleaning the toilets to you is absolutely justified.
5.) You say you’re not interested in sex and yet you clearly and understandably desire sex with other people. When you think about having sex with other people all the time, as you say, what is this theoretical sex like? How does it compare to the sex you’re having with your BF, or that you think your BF is capable of having with you? Do you think you two can get there?
6.) If not, then go ahead, take your BF for granted! Because this brand of male entitlement is a dime a D-bag, BotC. You say you don’t have much to compare your BF to so allow me to make the comparisons for you: Many men exist in this world who do not use the “I am man, give me sex” set-up to create a shitty sex life for you to grin and bear through. In fact, many men actively work against this by asking questions, learning about your body and orgasms, negotiating open relationships in a healthy way, and working to create a sexual relationship that supports your career-orientation.
7.) Why don’t you want to have sex with your BF, BotC? Because it sucks. And you deserve better. So, if you don’t think he’s capable of more — like so many men are — then I’ll have to borrow an acronym from my great predecessor Dan Savage, DTMFA (Dump the motherF’er already).•
