ARIES (March 21-April 19): Urbandictionary.com defines the English word “balter” as follows: “to dance without particular skill or grace, but with extreme joy.” It’s related to the Danish term baltre, which means “to romp, tumble, roll, cavort.” I nominate this activity to be one of your ruling metaphors in the coming weeks. You have a mandate to explore the frontiers of amusement and bliss, but you have no mandate to be polite and polished as you do it. To generate optimal levels of righteous fun, your experiments may have to be more than a bit rowdy.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You’ve arrived at a crossroads. From here, you could travel in one of four directions, including back towards where you came from. You shouldn’t stay here indefinitely, but on the other hand you’ll be wise to pause and linger for a while. Steep yourself in the mystery of the transition that looms. Pay special attention to the feelings that rise up as you visualize the experiences that may await you along each path. Are there any holy memories you can call on for guidance? Are you receptive to the tricky inspiration of the fertility spirits that are gathered here? Here’s your motto: Trust, but verify.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): English model and TV personality Katie Price has been on the planet for just 37 years, but has already written four autobiographies. You Only Live Once, for instance, covers the action-packed time between 2008 and 2010, when she got divorced and then remarried in a romantic Las Vegas ceremony. I propose that we choose this talkative, self-revealing Gemini to be your spirit animal and role model. In the coming weeks, you should go almost to extremes as you express the truth about who you have been, who you are, and who you will become.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): A flyer on a telephone pole caught my eye. It showed a photo of a nine-year-old male cat named Bubby, whose face was contorted in pain. A message from Bubby’s owner revealed that her beloved pet desperately needed expensive dental work. She had launched a campaign at gofundme.com to raise the cash. Of course I broke into tears, as I often do when confronted so viscerally with the suffering of sentient creatures. I longed to donate to Bubby’s well-being. But I thought, “Shouldn’t I funnel my limited funds to a bigger cause, like the World Wildlife Fund?” Back home an hour later, I sent $25 to Bubby. After analyzing the astrological omens for my own sign, Cancer the Crab, I realized that now is a time to adhere to the principle “Think globally, act locally” in every way imaginable.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): How well do you treat yourself? What do you do to ensure that you receive a steady flow of the nurturing you need? According to my reading of the astrological omens, you are now primed to expand and intensify your approach to self-care. If you’re alert to the possibilities, you will learn an array of new life-enhancing strategies. Here are two ideas to get you started: 1.) Imagine at least three acts of practical love you can bestow on yourself. 2.) Give yourself three gifts that will promote your healing and stimulate your pleasure.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): To activate your full potential in the coming weeks, you don’t need to scuba-dive into an underwater canyon or spelunk into the pitch blackness of a remote cave or head out on an archaeological dig to uncover the lost artifacts of an ancient civilization. But I recommend that you consider trying the metaphorical equivalent of those activities. Explore the recesses of your own psyche, as well as those of the people you love. Ponder the riddles of the past and rummage around for lost treasure and hidden truths. Penetrate to the core, the gist, the roots. The abyss is much friendlier than usual! You have a talent for delving deep into any mystery that will be important for your future.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Normally I charge $270-an-hour for the kind of advice I’m about to offer, but I’m giving it to you at no cost. For now, at least, I think you should refrain from relying on experts. Be skeptical of professional opinions and highly paid authorities. The useful information you need will come your way via chance encounters, playful explorations, and gossipy spies. Folk wisdom and street smarts will provide better guidance than elite consultants. Trust curious amateurs; avoid somber careerists.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Some athletes think it’s unwise to have sex before a big game. They believe it diminishes the raw physical power they need to excel. For them, abstinence is crucial for victory. But scientific studies contradict this theory. There’s evidence that boinking increases testosterone levels for both men and women. Martial artist Ronda Rousey subscribes to this view. She says she has “as much sex as possible” before a match. Her approach must be working. She has won all of her professional fights, and Sports Illustrated calls her “the world’s most dominant athlete.” As you approach your equivalent of the “big game,” Scorpio, I suggest you consider Rousey’s strategy.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Some athletes think it’s unwise to have sex before a big game. They believe it diminishes the raw physical power they need to excel. For them, abstinence is crucial for victory. But scientific studies contradict this theory. There’s evidence that boinking increases testosterone levels for both men and women. Martial artist Ronda Rousey subscribes to this view. She says she has “as much sex as possible” before a match. Her approach must be working. She has won all but one of her professional fights, and *Sports Illustrated* calls her “the world’s most dominant athlete.” As you approach your equivalent of the “big game,” Scorpio, I suggest you consider Rousey’s strategy.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Here’s how Mark Twain’s novel The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn begins: “Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.” The preface I’d write for your upcoming adventures would be less extreme, but might have a similar tone. That’s because I expect you to do a lot of meandering. At times your life may seem like a shaggy dog story with no punch line in sight. Your best strategy will be to cultivate an amused patience; to stay relaxed and unflappable as you navigate your way through the enigmas, and not demand easy answers or simple lessons. If you take that approach, intricate answers and many-faceted lessons will eventually arrive.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The Confederation of African Football prohibits the use of magic by professional soccer teams. Witch doctors are forbidden to be on the field during a match, and they are not supposed to spray elixirs on the goals or bury consecrated talismans beneath the turf. But most teams work around the ban. Magic is viewed as an essential ingredient in developing a winning tradition. Given the current astrological omens, I invite you to experiment with your own personal equivalent of this approach. Don’t scrimp on logical analysis, of course. Don’t stint on your preparation and discipline. But also be mischievously wise enough to call on the help of some crafty mojo.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Slavery is illegal everywhere in the world. And yet there are more slaves now than at any other time in history: at least 29 million. A disproportionate percentage of them are women and children. After studying your astrological omens, I feel you are in a phase when you can bestow blessings on yourself by responding to this predicament. How? First, express gratitude for all the freedoms you have. Second, vow to take full advantage of those freedoms. Third, brainstorm about how to liberate any part of you that acts or thinks or feels like a slave. Fourth, lend your energy to an organization that helps free slaves. Start here, http://bit.ly/liberateslaves.•
