I’m a 28-year-old female with a high sex drive. I’ve always found it easy to come with clitoral stimulation. When my partner and I have sex it’s not unusual for it to last over an hour. My guy loves cunnilingus almost as much as I love getting it. I often lose count of the times I orgasm.
But for the last few months I haven’t been able to come. None of my favorite things work. It feels nice, but there are no fireworks. I’ve had some instances where it’s been uncomfortable to have sex, but I’ve put that down to lack of my own lubricant. If I do come it’s so intense it almost doesn’t feel good because I’m too sensitive. It kind of feels like all of my orgasms have joined forces instead of being spread out, but not in a good way.
I’m a bit stressed about work and things between my partner and me are good, but I’m even having trouble orgasming when I use my vibrator, which is unheard of. My partner is getting insecure, thinking I’m not into it anymore. I’m getting frustrated because I am into it, but my body won’t cooperate.
I could give you some CUMbaya advice about how sex is about enjoying the journey rather than the climactic destination, and I do believe this, but Ugh! Losing your orgasm sucks. It sounds like you and your boyfriend are, in fact, quite good at enjoying the journey most times. But suddenly, you find yourselves on this neverending, pleasant, yet frustrating, road trip down a sexually scenic route to Nogasmland. I’ve felt these frustrations when my orgasms have decided to take a little vacation without me. The good news is — they always come home and so will yours.
There are three big components that inform our sexual experiences: our bodies, our brains, and our context. Our best orgasmic experiences happen when all three are working together.
This unpleasant joining of the orgasm forces you describe reminds me of masturbating in a fury when you’ve got a headache and five minutes before you gotta dash out the door so you spin your turntables as ferociously as possible to relieve that headache and move on — a strictly utilitarian sexual interaction that pushes your body to catch up with your brain (context be damned) without waiting for the three to coordinate.
Waking up, rolling out of bed and attempting five backflips without a stretch wouldn’t feel great. Similarly, if you push your body beyond its pleasurably, self-determined pacing, the harder it’s going to be to have a satisfying climax.
I get it — you’ve been doing five morning backflips no problem for a long time, so now you’re upset that you can’t, but our bodies, contexts, and states-of-mind change and so must we. I suggest you look into these three areas of your sex life — body, brain, and context — and assess what may have changed before your orgasms went on hiatus. Pay particular attention to places where your body, brain, and context may be on different pages. For example, your brain says “Use this vibrator because it always works,” but your body’s like “Actually, meh …” I suggest playing with a good lubricant, forgetting about your clit for bit, and exploring some deeper, new fantasies especially regarding context.
Throw out your ol’ faithful favorites because, as you say, they’re just not working for you right now. That doesn’t mean that they or your pussy will never work again, WIMPB, you just need to have the patience to make your home a great place for your orgasms to come home to.•
Yana Tallon-Hicks is a pleasure-positive sex educator and writer in the Pioneer Valley. She has a website bursting with advice, workshops, and sexual health resources at yanatallonhicks.com.
