I’m a relatively young woman who enjoyed an active, above-average sex life for my entire adult life, even after the birth of my first two children. However, I found that after my last son was born, my desire for sex suddenly vanished to the degree that I can say that I could be completely happy — and even possibly happier — if I never had another sexual encounter with a partner or even alone.
This obviously poses an issue in my marriage. I know that you aren’t a doctor or anything, but I was just hoping to get your thoughts on the issue, as someone who has been involved in open sexual dialogue.
I recently wrote some tips to a new mother whose sex life was floundering in the column “New Mom Needs to Get Some.” My advice focused on finding ways to incorporate sex more creatively into their new routines as parents and to take part in non-sexual activities together to foster a more sexually charged atmosphere between them.
For you, however, MMAS, it sounds like parenting isn’t necessarily getting in the way of your sex life but that you’ve come to realize that sexual activity is no longer a priority, or possibly even a desire, for you.
I want to throw the term “asexuality” out there for you to either pick up and try on for size or to just leave on the floor if it doesn’t fit you. Asexuality is an identifier used to describe oneself as a person who does not experience sexual attraction and/or has a low or absent interest in sexual activity, considered by some as its own sexual orientation.
The research around asexuality is new, but many sex bloggers have been recently speaking to the asexual experience to bring attention to the idea that not everyone wants to have sex — gasp! To say that our culture is sexually charged would be an understatement — sex is used to sell us everything from sandals to soap. We spend truckloads of cash trying to cum and assume that we’re broken when we can’t, and obsess over how long it’s been since we’ve gotten laid. But what happens when we just don’t want to?
It’s possible, MMAS, that you just don’t want to have sex. And that’s your choice. If what you say is your truth — that you feel happier without sex — then follow your bliss. If you feel like there are underlying traumas or triggers that are preventing you from enjoying sex, then that’s something you might consider addressing with a sex-positive counselor.
The challenge here is that your sexuality and sex life are tied to another’s — your spouse’s. While there’s nothing wrong with an asexual identity, whether temporary or permanent, it’s also acceptable that your spouse may desire or miss the active sex life you used to share. First talk openly about your feelings toward sex with your partner and assure him/her that your lack-of-drive isn’t personal to him/her.
Secondly, discuss how both of you can get your relationship/sexual needs met as an asexual/sexual couple: Do you want to explore non-monogamy to allow your spouse to have sex with other people? Are you both okay with just not having sex at all?
I often get the question: Are my spouse and I having enough sex? with the expectation that I might pull out my sex columnist prescription pad and write down, “three times a week” or “once a month.”
However, my response is usually: “Is the amount of sex you’re having working for the both of you?”
No one is in charge of a relationship’s sex life except the people in that relationship. So if both of you are like “Cool! I don’t want sex. Companionship and co-parenting with you is all I want,” then great! But, if you both have disparate needs when it comes to sex, it may be time to visit a good couple’s counselor or explore nontraditional sexual arrangements. No matter what you decide, MMAS, remember that your sex life is yours and deciding not to have one at all is a decision you can make.•
Yanna Tallon-Hicks is a pleasure-positive sex educator and writer living in the Pioneer Valley. She has a website bursting with sex advice, workshops, and resources at yanatallonhicks.com.
