Hello Yana,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. We’re in our 20s, and he’s a few years older than me. There have been times when we’re intimate when he doesn’t provide me with oral sex. He’s never close to ejaculating while inside me. He only does so after I give him a blow job, and it’s not a lot of semen.
Also, he puts his fingers inside me and does this thing to make me “orgasm,” which causes me to expel liquid. I’m not crazy about it and I don’t consider it an orgasm, since I know what one feels like.
I don’t know how to tell him that I can do without it. I don’t want to make him feel bad about himself nor make it seem that I haven’t enjoyed the sex — because I have, just not the ending part. I don’t know how to ask him about providing oral sex. We don’t live too close to each other and the opportunity to do it is usually two-three times a month.
— Not Gushing About Gushing
Dear Not Gushing,
We take preferences personally. Especially when it comes to sex. Someone says “Not right now,” and we hear “You’re unattractive.” Someone says “I’m not into that kink,” and we hear “You’re a freak.” Someone says “A little to the left,” and we hear “You’re bad at sex.”
When you say “You know, babe, I could do without this liquid finale” will your boyfriend hear, “I hate having sex with you”? When you say “You know what would be super hot? Having you go down on me before we bang,” will your boyfriend hear “I’ve never liked sex with you?”
Society tells us to keep quiet about sexual pleasure. This leaves us with a lot of blanks to fill in for ourselves. Blanks produce anxiety. So we fill them in; often with self-doubt, paranoia, and assumptions.
What will happen if you vocalize to your partner: “I love having sex with you. But this ending part? Not so much. Can we try something else? Like maybe you could go down on me?” Your boyfriend could take it personally. Or maybe he’ll be relieved to know what you do want. Maybe he feels insecure about his oral sex abilities. Maybe he’s just doing this because he’s reading your physical reaction as confirmation of your enjoyment.
How is he supposed to know unless you verbalize otherwise? How are you to know unless you ask?
Bad sex education gets us thinking that intuition and instinct should be our only sexual gauges. Let’s pretend that you and your boyfriend could only have sex with blindfolds on. Neither of you would be able to see anything. How would you gauge how pleasurable the experience was to both of you? How would you determine what to do next when having sex? You’d have to do a lot of talking to direct each other and be extra vocal about feedback. Semen volume or your liquid “orgasm” wouldn’t be the measure of pleasure; verbal self-report would.
You’re likely liquidating from G-spot stimulation which is a type of orgasm, but not the orgasm of orgasms. It’s not for you. You’re into clitoral orgasms. And you want some head — like, ahem, he’s been getting plenty of. This isn’t about him and his abilities, really, it’s about what you want.
Meet him in this vulnerable space by asking him if he’s got any notes for you. Take advantage of your physical distance and broach some of these tricky topics via text or email.
To be sure you’re both truly enjoying some fantastic sexual pleasure, one of you needs to get verbal. Because contrary to popular opinion, the pleasure-proof isn’t in the pudding, it’s in the talking.
Yana Tallon-Hicks is a pleasure-positive sex writer and educator living in the Pioneer Valley. She has a website bursting with sexual advice, resources, and workshops at yanatallonhicks.com.
