I’ve been with my husband for a long time and there’s one thing in the bed we did kind of once that I’d like to do again, but I feel weird about asking for it. Basically, I want to be rimmed, but as this is something I would not want to do for him, I feel like I can’t ask it of him for me. I mean, poop comes from there! and yet, it feels amazing (we did it once on a drunken night years ago). How do I ask my husband for this? Is it okay to ask a sex partner for something you wouldn’t do yourself? I know it’s unlikely he’d ask me to reciprocate — he’s not into butt stuff for him. Still I feel uncomfortable asking for this.

— Um, How ‘Bout the Bum?

Rim jobs are cool. They’re naughty, but not too naughty, high stakes yet low stakes, unassuming yet direct, and, if your husband was drunk last time you got one – probably a bit of an accidental slip of the mouth down south. The thing about happy drunken accidents like this between established lovers* is that you sort of have to bring it up intentionally after-the-fact if you’d like a repeat performance without rocks or a twist.

There are plenty of things we do with our sexual partners that we don’t necessarily want to perform ourselves or perfectly reciprocate. This isn’t necessarily an issue of fairness, but is more an issue of individuality. Partners don’t order the same dish at a restaurant, wear the same outfit to work, or opt for the same workout playlist. So, why do we expect the bedroom to be a well-balanced scale?

Well, sex has been set up by long-standing game metaphors: we make it to bases, we return the favor, we score, we lose our V-cards, and we get some. But what if it was just as celebrated for us to give some, share something, or customize our sexual interaction to perfectly suit our partnership [insert nerd emoji here]?

How do you ask your husband to give you a rim job even if you don’t want to balance the butt-licking scales? You say, “Hey babe, it felt awesome that one night you rimmed me and I would love an encore if you’re down.” And then (on the off-chance, in your case) babe is like “Cool, yeah. Lick mine, too?” you can say “No, I’m not really into that. But, I would love to blow your mind otherwise. How can I do that?” But don’t forget, ‘Bout the Bum, poop comes from your “there,” too. I recommend baby wipes.

*Psst: The risk of unintentional consent violations is somewhat lowered between established sexual partners (rather than new/newer partners) who have been drinking together, but drinking is never a good way to ensure enthusiastic consent of all involved, especially when trying new things. All parties should be able to understand, give, and revoke consent throughout the entire interaction, any time.

Yana Tallon-Hicks is a pleasure-positive sex writer and educator living in the Pioneer Valley. She has a website bursting with sex advice, resources, and workshops at yanatallonhicks.com.