Hi Yana!
I recently entered a new relationship and my new partner finally helped me cum for the very first time! Recently though we discovered that I sometimes squirt and now I’ve been absolutely terrified of cumming since I’m anxious about making a mess.
My partner says he doesn’t mind, but I’m still so anxious! Any advice for relaxing so that I can re-enjoy finishing?
Anxiously Orgasming
Dear Anxiously,
Partnered in a new relationship … feeling good in your bodies and hearts … soaking that mattress on the regular … I don’t see the problem here! But lucky for you (and everyone else) — in the world of sexual pleasure, one person’s sex trash can totally be another person’s sex treasure and THAT’S OKAY!
In my work as a sex educator, people of all kinds want me to teach them exactly what you’re avoiding — vaginal ejaculation, or, as the charming mainstream XXX world likes to call it, “squirting.”
Typically involving the G-Spot (the spongy area of tissue near the front of of the vaginal canal, famously located via pressure and the fingers’ “come hither” motion), vaginal ejaculation has been simultaneously positioned as the holiest of orgasmic grails AND demonized as “just pee” by pornos and Maxim articles alike.
But, no matter how many trending pieces of hipster journalism tell you how the squirting G-Spot orgasm is THE BEST THING EVER IN THE WHOLE WORLD, the truth of the matter is that you, Anxiously, don’t have to like it. You don’t have to want it. You don’t have to even want to like it. Your sexual pleasure is for you to determine so, if you want to avoid vaginal ejaculation because it’s simply too messy for you, that’s totally fine.
Here’s how: G-Spots are more likely to be stimulated by certain positions and sex acts in most people’s bodies. The G-Spot is located in the first two-thirds of the vaginal canal (about two knuckles deep — yeah that’s right, much shallower than you might think). It tends to best be stimulated by pressure and a curved object (like a sex toy) or curved fingers, angled toward the top of the canal (upwards if you’re on your back, downwards if you’re on all fours).
Penises have their own organic shapes that may or may not be curved for ideal spot-hitting, so certain penetrative sex positions optimize the G-Spot’s stimulation: from behind tends to be a popular one, or any position that tilts your pelvis/shortens your vaginal canal to make the G-Spot more accessible such as tucking your knees to your chest or putting your legs above your head. Many people find that being on top allows them more directive control over penetration and therefore, more say about how their G-Spot gets stimulated.
Many people also experience that a period of deeper penetration followed by more shallower, G-Spot focused attention will contribute positively to their G-Spot orgasm, with or without the liquid finale.
So my advice to you, Anxiously, is don’t do these things. Do the opposite of these things. Whatever the Climax King has been doing to get you there, squirting all over the place? Stop that. Take a break if you feel yourself getting close. Switch positions if you feel the gush coming on. Use your words and collaborate about what is most effective in getting you off without getting you soaked.
You are the master of your own sexual pleasure destiny! And also, I cannot leave this article without at least saying just once that SEX IS MESSY. In all the ways. And that’s okay, too. A waterproof mattress protector, a couple of old towels preemptively positioned, or even a fancy designed-just-for-this-reason throw by Liberator can help cut down on the mess and the arguments over who’s stuck sleeping in the damp spot.
As one elderly gentlemen once declared in a G-Spot workshop I was teaching: “Who cares if it’s pee or just a mess?? As long as everyone is feeling good and being safe, I say game on!”
No matter what you decide, Anxiously, give yourself permission. Whether that looks like avoiding squirting all together or embracing the mess, it’ll make a world of difference in combating your anxiety.
Yana Tallon-Hicks is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and writer living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, http://www.yanatallonhicks.com.
