Hi Yana,
I made a rookie mistake. I had a spur-of-the-moment, sober threesome with a couple I’ve been friends with for over 12 years. They visited me from across the country. We are very close friends and I’m feeling very tender now.
I’m feeling like it wasn’t a big deal for them, so I’m a bit nervous to bring up my feelings. Do you have any tools for unicorns about self-care as aftercare? Unicorns just have to be so self-sufficient and strong emotionally and that’s not always easy.
What would be a good way to open up communication in a situation that didn’t really have any open communication to start with?
Thanks!
Post-Nookie Rookie
Dear Post-Nookie Rookie,
Being a unicorn can be a real sticky place to be, to say the very…very…least.
(For those not having nearly as many threesomes as the rest of us, “unicorn” is sex-slang for the third person in a threesome, typically female- and bi-sexually identified and uninterested in commitment, but this certainly doesn’t describe all third wheels, of course. The term unicorn is used to allude to how tricky it is to find this person, but thanks to ye olde internet, that’s not really true either).
As group sex of all kinds becomes more popular (thanks in no small part to sites like Feeld, FetLife, Tinder, and the rest), it’s important that we acknowledge that the dynamics of threesomes are also changing.
While the threesome of decades past might’ve begun with getting trashed and “Oops, I just tripped and fell into this sea of bicuriosity with my BFF and her BF,” and ended with a grab-the-jeans-and-book-it-before-dawn-only-to-never-speak-of-this-again, that’s really just not the norm anymore.
Tender, emotionally-padded sex needn’t be reserved for the long-term, monogamous, in-love duo just as adventurous, casual sexcapades don’t only exist between kinky, monogam-ish co-eds.
Monogamy doesn’t have a monopoly on emotional connection. And to give it that power is to do a disservice both to the vanilla pairs and the group-sex-havers among us.
Rookie, you have every right to feel tender without shame! You don’t need to strip yourself of strings in order to be a unicorn. I actually don’t think you made a mistake by having a sober (bonus points!), spontaneous threesome with friends you feel close, safe, and connected to. As a matter of fact, that sounds like an excellent way to have a threesome.
Though it may have done you some favors to chat about expectations beforehand, sometimes living life in the way we’re pulled to doesn’t allow space for drawn out pre-threesome meetings. As long as consensual communication was honored, sounds like you were going with the good-time flow!
So, now what? First, give yourself permission to be a living, breathing, feelings-having, sexual partner no matter how many people are in your bed.
Secondly, talk to your friends. Remember, they are your friends! They probably know you well and love you lots and care about your feelings, whether or not those feelings are connected to them. I would also solidly bet that this couple who just randomly slept with their good friend are also having at least some reaction and a little processing wouldn’t hurt anyone.
Thirdly, yes, take good care of yourself. Marvel at your sexual experiences! Get back in touch with your own body — take a luxurious bath, hit a yoga class, masturbate! Let those feelings allll out where they won’t impact anyone like in a journal, to your therapist, to your dog.
But lastly, remember that you’re not alone just because you’re a unicorn. Ask for what you need without expectation that you’ll get it (remember, that’s what the self-care is for!). Here’s a little sample script: “Hey y’all, I had such a good time last night. You’re super hot and made me feel so good — it ruled! Aftercare is a super important part of my sex life, so I would love to know what kind of attention you’re interested in from me. I know for me, it would mean a lot to FaceTime sometime so we can recalibrate a little. Let me know if that would work for you. Hope you a had a good trip home!” Good luck!
Yana Tallon-Hicks is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and writer living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.
