Bizarro Briefs: The Great Flat Earther Cruise Tour of 2020

Flat Earthers are arguably one of the easiest people to poke fun at. Raise your hand if the first time you heard about the group of people who still believe that the Earth is flat, you thought it was a joke. Well, those fine misinformed folks are planning a cruise next year at their annual conference to find the edge of the planet; they’re looking for a giant ice wall that holds back the oceans. The goal is to test their theory that the Earth is actually flat, but methinks they’ll end up finding no proof, will end up blaming it on ancient aliens, a government conspiracy, or our gracious reptilian overlords.

Cheesy political art 

Artist Cosimo Cavallaro is building a quarter-mile wall along the U.S- Mexico border made out of 9,000 blocks of hard style cotija Mexican cheese. The artist told the Huffington Post earlier this week that he’s been wanting to create a cheese wall for more than two decades and has started building the wall o’ cheese in Tecate, California, 45 feet from the actual border. He figured with Trump demanding a border wall, now was the time to create his cheesy masterpiece. He plans to have his wall completed this week.

Wearing a plastic bag 

A woman in Greece, N.Y., has really taken her recycling to a whole new level after knitting 300 plastic grocery bags into a new suit. The 75-year-old woman from western New York created a skirt and jacket this past winter from thin brown plastic bags that were cut into thin strips and then tied together to make homemade recycled yarned. She lined the garments with cotton fabric, creating a tweed inspired look from the green printing on the plastic bags. Why make a dress out of plastic bags? For fun, of course.

Bust a move 

After a Southern California vehicle pursuit with TV news helicopters overhead, the California Highway Patrol arrested their suspect, but not before he started breakdancing for 10 seconds. The chase began in the Calabasa area in California, headed east on U.S. 101 into Los Angeles, and then north on Interstate 405. The arrested breakdancer decided to give up the chase and exited the freeway in the San Fernando Valley.

Annoying sea pigeon screeching European championship 

Look, everyone knows it. Seagulls are annoying seabirds that are akin to beach pigeons. But maybe that’s taking it too far. At least pigeons are kind of cute and coo instead of screeching. But there’s always someone out there who loves something others despise. Case in point are bird imitation experts from all across Europe who gathered in Belgium to squawk their best at the European Gull Screeching Championship. The winner of the Belgium contest won a basket of Belgian beers. Really, that’s it?

Mixing a drink, Florida style

A distillery in Florida was looking to shake it up when it came to over the top publicity stunts, so they decided to get a giant mixing truck (a hybrid between a cement mixer and a martini shaker), and go on tour in Florida. The makers of Monkey Shoulder whiskey now bring you the “Monkey Shoulder Mixer,” a 27-foot long truck with a 2,400-gallon drink mixer on the back, which will be serving cocktails at various locations in the Orlando area this week. The giant shaker will serve up a drink made up of Monkey Shoulder whiskey, mint simple syrup, fresh lemon juice, soda, and mint leaves.

The hipster who invented himself 

It’s not uncommon for people to see a man in his 20s with a thick beard and flannel shirts who complains about their favorite band selling out and becoming popularing and think, “Hey look — it’s a hipster.” Well, MIT’s Technology Review has a tale of irony that would make even the most cynical person giggle. The publication recently published an article on a study out of Brandeis University about the “hipster effect,” which studied how nonconformists usually act unconventionally in the same way; meaning that they actually end up becoming conformists within in their own social niche. A man proved this theory correct when he saw an edited photo at the top of the story of a man in a plaid shirt with a beanie on and thought it was himself. (Cue Ron Howard narration): It wasn’t. After the article was published, MIT Technology Review was threatened with legal action by the man. But after, the publication pointed out that it wasn’t him, he dropped the idea.

Hip cheese 

No, it’s not another Bizarro Brief about hipsters, but cheese is involved again. This time, it’s about how music makes your cheese taste better. Researchers in Switzerland wanted to learn how sound waves affected the microorganisms in cheese, which gives the dairy product its unique flavors. So, they played hip-hop music, which in an experiment titled, “Cheese in Surround Sound,” was found to be the tastiest of sound waves, at least when cheese is concerned. Researchers also played Mozart and Led Zeppelin for the nine 22-pound wheels of Emmental cheese last fall.

The last flush is on us 

More than 12 years ago, a town in Bavaria ordered a 12-year supply of toilet paper, and now the rolls are empty. The mayor of the small town, with a population of 4,000 people, announced that the last roll was used up in early March. The tale of 12 years of toilet paper began in 2006 when a council employee accidentally ordered two large truckloads of toilet paper. They realized the error after the first truck arrived and successfully canceled the second, but were still left with 12 years of toilet paper, which became a headache to store. The toilet paper ended up in primary schools, the town’s secondary school, at town hall, the firehouse, and in hidden storage rooms across the small Bavarian community. In the end, the town actually saved the U.S. equivalent of $1,130 in toilet paper products. I guess the moral of the story is to buy in bulk?

Author: Chris Goudreau

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