Hello!

You’ve probably heard this question before, but how do you approach the topic of group sex with people who you think might be down?

I have had a few scenarios happen organically, and been approached myself, but I’m scared of seeming like a creep (for example, a Craigslist ad like “Passionate couple seeking a third for his birthday surprise”).

What is the proper etiquette??

Thanks!

Hoping for More!

Dear More!,

One thing we don’t often learn when we’re being taught about values systems is: the Golden Rule (“Treat others the way you’d like to be treated”) does indeed apply to threesome, foursomes, and moresomes. As someone who has been approached for group sex experiences yourself, what did you or did you not like about the way the people did it? This method (we could call it the Custom Tailoring Method), which involves taking what you’ve seen others’ do and editing it to suit yourself, is one way you could go about this.

Another way to go about this is to not give into the temptation to glamorize a sexual experience that involves more than two people to the point of distorting the reality that… they’re just a person/people that you want to have sex with. Meaning, you could just approach your potential additional sexytime friends in the same way you might approach a single person you’d like to have sex with as a single person. This method (we could call it the Same/Same But Different Method) might start with asking yourself the question “How do I usually go about asking someone to have sex with me?”

To be fair, this can certainly be an awkward task, no matter how many people you’re inviting to Ye Olde Bone Zone. But it can be helpful to start with what’s familiar to you in your typical dating/sex-seeking repertoire: Do you prefer using dating apps? Asking people out IRL (in real life) who you feel like you click with? Asking a friend for some inside info about a mutual friend’s availability? These same avenues can also work with proposing group sex to another person.

The trick is to remember that at its most basic, you’re asking someone if they’d like to do something with you and they have the option to freely say “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe” to your invitation. If the person chooses to lay on some extra judgment because you’re asking about moresome sex rather than duo sex, that’s on them and also you probably wouldn’t have a great threesome with someone so repulsed by group sex anyway, right? So, no real loss there.

Some things to definitely avoid:

1) Treating the person like a sex toy rather than a human (unless, of course, getting treated like a sex toy is what they’re looking for which, at minimum, would require some conversation. In your example above about the “creepy” Craigslist ad, this ad may in fact garner some interest from the folks who are looking precisely for an experience where they’re someone’s “birthday present” — as long as everyone is safe, informed, and keeping it consensual, this is totally a valid option!)

2) Asking someone if they’d like to have group sex with you at inopportune times where they can’t freely answer your question. For example, in a situation where your conversation may somehow out them to an inappropriate audience such as during a work meeting or in front of their children.

3) Pressuring someone to sleep with you and a partner or somehow setting them up to think that they’re agreeing to sex with one of you only to spring group sex on them as an unwanted or uninformed surprise.

And, oh hey, would you look at that? These same parameters also easily apply to asking one person to have sex with you as one person! (Same/Same But Different).

Ultimately, if you don’t yuck your own yum and you don’t let other people yuck your yum on your behalf, asking people about group sex is really not much different than seeking sex with someone in a more “traditional” way — so don’t overthink it.

For some more extended pieces of my threesome and moresome advice, keyword search “Threesome” on my website yanatallonhicks.com.

Yana Tallon-Hicks is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and writer living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.