Editor’s note: Sex and relationship advice columnist Yana Tallon-Hicks is currently on maternity leave. While she’s gone, we’re reprinting some of her best columns of the past several years, and are looking forward to her return in September. This column was originally published December 28, 2015.
Hi Yana,
I’m an 18-year-old girl with a sex question. I don’t orgasm during sex with a guy, but I usually do orgasm when we’re dry-humping. Do you have any advice about how sex could be made better for me? I still want to have sex to pleasure my partner, but it’s boring for me. Help me get over this hump!
— Dry With My Guy
Hi DMG,
It sounds like your partner needs to learn where your clitoris is! You’re probably orgasming during dry-humping because your clitoris is getting rubbed and/or stimulated consistently by whatever surface you’re dry-grinding on. This isn’t surprising as direct, consistent clitoral stimulation is a requirement for well over 75 percent of folks to achieve a clitoral climax. The Cliteracy Project by artist Sophia Wallace is a really fun and accessible way for both of you to start learning more about the clitoris.
The clitoris’s climactic fondness for direct and consistent stimulation explains the popularity of clitoral vibrators and is also sadly missing from solely penetrative penis-in-vagina sex as thrusting does little to stimulate your clitoris (located externally above the vaginal opening where the folds of the labia meet). So, your new joint mission is to squash your sexual boredom and experiment with new ways to get you that consistent clitoral stimulation you’re enjoying during dry-humping.
Why is this your joint mission? It’s better to join forces with a partner on pleasure endeavors, to realize that both of you have a responsibility to learn about sexual pleasure, and to realize that your guy’s lack of cliteracy is certainly not entirely his fault. Most high school sex education programming focuses on STI/STD and pregnancy scare tactics with scant attention paid to sexual pleasure. And especially as clitoral orgasms contribute little to procreation, many high schools like to pretend this is the only reason why people bang, which, as you’re discovering, certainly isn’t true.
The goal is to have you both invested in learning about your own and each other’s bodies and to avoid blaming each other for not intuitively knowing how to make the other climax harder than ever when the reality is, most 18-year-olds have never been given great sex education, especially in regard to orgasms.
So how do you do this? I encourage you to masturbate and experiment with what gets your rocks off the hardest — whether it be a vibrator, your hands, or a special fingertip flick that you discovered by accident. Then, learn how to share this information with your partner so the both of you can cook up ways to work what gets you going into your sexual routine.
Either one of you can use your hands or a vibrator against your clit during penetration, he can go down on you until you orgasm before or after you have penetrative sex — which will enhance your climax as you’ll be warmed up — or y’all can let go of the sexual standard that penis-in-vagina is the goal and focus on foreplay. There are a lot of options, but just penetration without consistent stimulation isn’t going to climatically cut it!
However you choose to get your clit in on the action, the key is to talk openly with your guy about what does and doesn’t feel good to you — before, during, and after sex, but especially during by giving a lot of direction and feedback.
Because ours is a culture steeped in sexual shame, and as we established above, school does diddly to empower people to learn about pleasure, try to broach this topic in positive ways; “Man! It feels so good when I come when we’re dry-humping. I really like making you feel good by having (penetrative) sex with you. Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could find a way to combine the two?!”
Finally, keep it consensual, especially by refusing any sex that you’re not feeling enthusiastically yes about (i.e. sex that makes you feel bored or obligated). And if your partner isn’t willing to co-create sexual interactions that feel good for both of you, it might be time to ditch the dry guy, DMG, because you can dry-hump pretty much anything.
Yana Tallon-Hicks is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and writer living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.
