Hi Yana!

Long time listener, first time caller! I’ve been following your advice column and Instagram (@the_vspot) for a looooong time and I super appreciate everything you write about regarding communication, mindfulness, exploration, and everything in-between — including your adventures with your baby and your dog! 🙂

This question is obviously kind of difficult to Google, which is why I’m writing in!

I’ve been single for a while and anticipate being single for the foreseeable future. I’m pretty burned out on the whole Tinder thing and am happy just pursuing my hobbies and possibly meeting someone along the way. Toward the end of my last relationship (about a year ago) I bought a harness and dildo but haven’t been able to use it with a partner yet. (For what it’s worth, I identify as a stone butch lesbian top.)

I have done a lot of research and picked up some tips on casually wearing the harness around the house, incorporating it into masturbation, what to do with it during sex for first time, researching via erotica, etc. which is great — bless the internet! I also happen to know that topping with a strap-on is a LOT of work. Aside from exercising in general (specifically core strength) how do I build stamina for the real deal? How do I practice without a partner? How do I avoid being at a complete loss the first time I whip it out with a lady?

Sincerely,

Single Butch Blues

Dear Single Butch,

First-of-all: Love the mental image of you doing strap-on training with specific core exercises — adorable and practical. Second-of-all: If you wanted this question to double as a personal ad, mission accomplished (see first-of-all).

Anyhoo, what you’ve dug up in your research is all helpful advice that I would also give: get comfortable with the equipment by wearing it around your house, incorporate it into your sex life via masturbation, and get some concrete tips and inspiration from how-tos and erotica.

I sadly do not have a specific list of exercises that would target the muscles most needed in strap-on sex (though someone should definitely make that zine) but I do think you’re right that anything involving your core, glutes, and any/all muscles used in prolonged thrusting could be helpful. However, let’s not forget that a strap-on wearer can also kick back and enjoy some less rigorous positions such as having their partner be on top and/or having them do most of the thrusting work from the receiving end of things. I know you mentioned that you identify as a top in the sack but remember, (consensually, of course) bossing someone around to get to doing the work can be a great top-space to occupy.

As you may have found in your Googling, one of the trickier things about wearing a strap-on can be the disconnect between what you can feel and where the dildo actually is. For some people, this can result in missed-entries, accidental slip-outs, and maybe awkwardly giving it to the mattress for a couple seconds. I sort of wonder if there’s a way to work on your aim like practicing on a couple of pushed together pillows or festively hanging up some cider donuts on a string and seeing how many you can snag but maybe that’s just too ridiculous.

In the moment, some more practical ways to decrease this disconnect include removing the pad between the base of the dildo and your body (if the harness’s pad is removable), using a vibrating or double-ended dildo, or working with good old-fashioned pressure + leaving the lights on so you can see what you’re doing.

The best strap-on skill you can hone before you bone is the confidence and ability to talk about how it’s going, in the moment, in a way that still feels sexy and comfortable to you. Because of the aforementioned disconnect and some real-time adjustments that need to be made like tightening/loosening harness straps or repositioning for better aim, pleasure, and comfort, it’s important to remember that talking during sex is one of the most essential tools in your toybox. Cat can really get your tongue in those heated moments, so get to brainstorming your words.

Yana Tallon-Hicks is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and writer living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.