Housebroken
A would-be burglar encountered something he didn’t expect when he broke down the door of a Rochester, New York, home — the brute strength of the 82-year-old woman who lived there. The woman, who told a local television station she works out almost every day at the local YMCA, added, “I’m alone and I’m old, but guess what — I’m tough.” After the man broke her door, she grabbed a metal-legged table — the nearest thing at hand — and went to work on him. The table broke, she said. Then she jumped on the intruder and poured shampoo on his face and hit him with a broom. She tried to drag him out of the house, but he was too large for the woman, who said she can deadlift 225 pounds. Eventually the police arrived. “I think he was happy when he went in the ambulance,” she said.
The big cheese
It took professional sculptor Sarah Kauffman four days and about 40 hours of work time to carve a 3,000-pound wheel of Wisconsin white cheddar cheese into a sculpture of Dan Gable, an Olympic gold medalist who won 118 wrestling matches during his college career. Kauffman, known as the “Cheese Lady,” carved the Olympian wrestler at the Hy-Vee in Ankeny, Iowa, with Gable himself in attendance. The sculpture will be broken up and sold with $1 from each purchase going towards the National Wrestling Hall of Fame Dan Gable Museum.
Saved by a taco
A man from Arizona recently survived a near death experience with a little help from a taco. The man was approaching the Pima County Fairgrounds entrance in his car when suddenly the window on his driver’s side shattered, according to Tucson, Arizona, station KOLD-TV. He thought it was a rock and pulled over, hearing a series of loud bangs. They were gunshots. He called the police, which discovered the bullet holes, including a bullet sitting on his dashboard. The man had been eating a taco when the bullets were fired and normally he kept his window down (exactly where the shot had been fired), but he closed the window to prevent his taco from being blown apart. What he didn’t know was he also prevented himself from getting blown apart, too.
(Not) the last straw
A Chinese doctor’s quick thinking potentially saved a man’s life as he suffered a medical emergency on a flight from China to New York last week. An elderly man suffering from an enlarged prostate was going into shock on the flight with another six hours left — until a doctor devised an impromptu procedure out of makeshift items. Using a catheter made out of plastic tubing from an oxygen mask, straws from milk cartons, tape, and a syringe from the aircraft’s medical kit, the doctor worked to drain the elderly man’s bladder. When the needle on the device was too small to drain urine, however, the doctor proceeded to suck out the urine himself. For 37 minutes, the doctor drained approximately 800 milliliters of urine from the man’s blocked bladder. “It was an emergency situation,” the doctor was quoted telling a Chinese newspaper. “I couldn’t figure out another way.”
You’re the entertainment
There’s a hotel in Japan that offers a room for only $1. But what’s the catch? Well, you’re entire stay is live-streamed on YouTube. Management of the hotel was looking to boost business after taking over from his grandmother last year and was inspired by a British YouTuber who live-streamed while staying at a hotel. Room No. 8 in the hotel is now equipped with cameras that constantly stream to a YouTube channel called “One Dollar Hotel.” The feed is video only and cameras are pointed away from the bathroom.
A painful experience
As if we needed further proof that the History Channel is no longer interested in, you know, history, a new series called Kings of Pain features an animal handler and a biologist traveling the globe to get bit and stung by pissed off critters. It’s basically a rip off of MTV’s Wildboyz without the speedos and humor. In one installment of the eight-episode series, the animal handler lets an executioner wasp deliver its extremely painful sting. Holding the wasp with a pair of tongs, the biologist moves it over to the animal handler who is sitting with his arm extended, waiting anxiously for the sting. In an incredibly anti-climactic scene, the wasp does what wasps do and the animal handler is in immediate pain. “Ohhhh, that’s sharp. Instant, like instant, pain,” the animal handler says. Cool. Are you not entertained?
No bologna
U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents are used to keeping dangerous items out of the country. Last week, they performed their solemn duty of protecting us from 154 pounds of Mexican bologna. Thank goodness. Bologna, as the agents helpfully explained in a press release the next day, is made from pork and can introduce foreign animal diseases. The person driving the offending item across the border tried to cover by saying it was made from turkey. The border agents didn’t buy it, and “destroyed” the meat, according to a statement from the agency.
Be bad for badness sake
A newspaper in British Columbia, Canada, may decide to revamp its copyediting desk after an unintentionally humorous error slipped by. In a short piece on a local Christmas fair, the Comox Valley Record reported that those who attended could take a photo with “Satan.” Someone on the internet found out, and hilarity ensued. But perhaps we all learned something from this — Santa is an anagram for Satan.
It ain’t over ‘til it’s over
With a 2-9 record as of Nov. 24, the Washington Redskins are in the midst of one of their worst seasons in years. Even in victory, these NFL dead-enders can’t seem to help messing up — though in this case, the screw-up was by quarterback Dwayne Haskins. In the Redskins’ recent 19-16 win over the Detroit Lions, the rookie QB missed the game’s final play when he couldn’t be found on the sidelines. Instead, Washington’s coaching staff had to send in backup quarterback Case Keenum to run out the clock. Turns out Hoskins was taking selfies along with some fans in the first few rows of seats. “I thought the game was over with already, but I’ll get it next time,” he said, apologizing for his mental lapse. Redskins’ interim head coach Bill Callahan did not seem amused, nor was former Washington QB Joe Theismaann, who in a tweet called Hoskins’ behavior “unprofessional & wrong.”
With God (and Trump) on our side
Though Donald Trump lost the popular vote in the 2016 presidential election and has had an average approval rating of about 42 percent through his term, some of his supporters claim he has a more important backer in his corner: God. Outgoing Secretary of Energy Rick Perry is the latest to make that claim, telling the hosts of “Fox and Friends” on Fox News that Trump was “the chosen one” sent by God to rule over America. The former Texas governor even evoked Old Testament kings to make his point. “God’s used imperfect people all through history,” Perry said. “King David wasn’t perfect, Saul wasn’t perfect, Solomon wasn’t perfect.” Perry joins other Republicans, such as Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale and former White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, in claiming Trump’s ascent to the presidency is ordained by heaven. On the other hand, Republican strategist and political commentator Ana Navarro-Cardenas called Perry’s announcement yet further evidence that Trump’s base is brainwashed: “It looks like a cult. It walks like a cult. It quacks like a cult. Yes, people. Trump’s base is a cult.”
