Hello,
I’m nervous to write in and feel like I’m the only person who has this problem: I’ve been on-and-off dating someone for about three years. We fight nonstop and basically it’s just not a good relationship for either of us.
Recently, I’ve been trying to move on and see other people and in doing so I’ve realized that over the past three years I’ve been masturbating exclusively only to pictures or videos of us together or of just him. I cannot seem to have an orgasm (alone or with someone else) without watching or looking at those pictures and videos. It seems as though he’s the only person that turns me on and the only thing I desire sexually.
I’m guessing the answer is to stop watching or looking at those pictures and videos, and in time eventually I will move on. Although I fear that if I delete them, I won’t be able to have an orgasm ever.
Help!
Jerking It To A Jerk
Dear Jerking It,
Plenty of people’s bodies become well-conditioned to climax to a certain sexual partner over time and for many, the final hump to getting over an ex is getting over one’s private phone stash of humping said ex. Of course, I’m assuming that the pictures and videos you’re returning to are sexual in nature. If they’re in fact smiling pictures of the two of you at brunch, or on a ski trip, or whatever you happen to find as you scroll his Instagram, I say way to have an active erotic imagination!
No matter your masturbatory media’s subject matter, my advice for bucking the habit is the same: can you figure out what it is about him and these pictures and videos that turns your crank so hard? And, can you uncouple those elements from him, specifically?
What is it about this dude that’s getting you so good? Is it a certain physical attribute? A favorite sex act or style? Is it the very nature of the conflicting relationship you have with him? Do you get off on the heated arguments? Are you… hate-fucking yourself to him?
Whatever it is, great, fine, don’t linger too long or critically on what the secret sauce is to this dude’s particular recipe that’s got you drooling — just figure out how to bring that sauce into someone else’s (or your own) kitchen. For example, if you were both wild about anal sex and find yourself replaying the highlights of said dirty videos, bring anal sex into your ex-free sex life. If you’re getting off on the power dynamic of the seeming love/hate relationship you have with each other, find ways to (consensually and communicatively) play with power dynamics in your ex-free sex life. If you just love the way he took control in the bedroom, ask your new lovers to toss you around a little. Find what clicks for you and click it in elsewhere.
Whatever you do, use this as an opportunity to discover something about your sexuality rather than making your entire sexuality rely on him.
Here’s another option: keep jerking off to him. The nice thing about privately fantasizing is that it doesn’t hurt anyone and never needs to be brought into the realm of reality. If these media mementos are doing it for you right now, cool. I doubt this footage will be your favorite masturbation fodder literally FOREVER. In fact, once things become truly resolved in your break-up, they’ll likely lose their charm.
It’s possible that your private sexual connection to him is the last thread (and one that he can’t take away from you at that) that you’re just not willing to let go of just yet. And that’s fine, but it sounds like you don’t want to linger there much longer. So, marinate less about what you’re masturbating to and more on the other elements of your relationship you need to find closure with.
For now, cut yourself some slack as you work to learn the new skill of truly parting ways with this ex. As with learning most new skills, don’t rush to remove your safety net and keep the pictures for now. A guaranteed orgasm is a terrible thing to waste.
Yana Tallon-Hicks is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and writer living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.
