Note: In this column, we talk about gender-exotifying porn.
Hi There,
I have a major problem and don’t know how to proceed here. I’ve been married for 15 years and the last 10 have been sexless. To be clear, I’m the woman and he’s the man who chooses not to have sex. I also found out that he has a weird porn addiction ([porn featuring trans women]). I’ve asked him if he’s gay but he says he isn’t.
I’m very confused here. I love him but I’m not sure if I can continue living in this marriage. I feel like he’s cheating on me. I’ve also asked him if I can get “just sex” elsewhere seeing as he’s not interested in sleeping with me and he wasn’t a big fan of that.
So, why does he feel he can look at this porn but not have sex with me and feel this is OK??
Please help me understand this,
Torn About Porn
Dear Torn,
It seems like there are two different issues here: one being your husband’s porn consumption and the other being the content of the porn itself. First, a quick note about vocabulary for readers. Above in brackets I modified the language used to describe the type of porn your husband watches. The original language describes a specific type of mainstream porn that’s generally exploitative towards trans women and, specifically, their anatomy.
The majority of people find this original language used to be offensive and harmful and, here in 2020, it shouldn’t be used. Alternatively, there’s lots of great porn out their featuring trans folks in all their authentic, pleasure-focused, consent-forward glory that’s more focused on sex, connection, and genuine hotness rather than overly focused on exotifying their identities (you can find some examples of this affirming porn on crashpadseries.com and aortafilms.com).
Anyway, it sounds like your husband’s consumption of this type of porn feels weird to you — perhaps because the content of the porn seems discordant with who you know your husband to be, especially in the context of your marriage. For many people who find out that their spouses are attracted to genders, sexualities, and anatomy that is different than their own, it can feel disorienting, invalidating, or even like a betrayal — “That’s not ME. Does that mean I’m not what you’re looking for? Has our past all been a lie?”
Sexuality is confusing, fluid, and can certainly change over time. But, at the end of the day, sexual orientation (ie: gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual) is typically defined by one’s attraction to gender (ie: cisgender, transgender, agender). Meaning, bottom line is that trans women are women so your husband’s sexual attraction to this type of porn doesn’t indicate that he’s gay or, not attracted to you because you’re a woman.
But, that’s not really the point here. The point is that you’re struggling to understand what his porn consumption indicates about you, your sex life with him, and your long, committed, and sexless relationship.
Not all couples consider watching porn to be a form of infidelity. For some people, porn is a safe way to explore their dynamic sexual desires within the context of their monogamous relationships as it doesn’t involve person-to-person, real-life contact. However, it’s also completely valid that you, personally, feel like his porn consumption is crossing your personal relationship boundaries.
Fifteen years is a long time and our desires and hoped-for relational parameters can certainly shift in that time so it’s wise to have regular conversations about these topics: Is your husband still sexually attracted to you? What factors have contributed to the sexlessness? How do you want to address it? Is their room for porn in your relationship or is this a hard line “NO” for you? If he indeed doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore, are you OK with that? Or are you ready to end the relationship if it no longer includes sex? (BTW: totally okay if the answer to this is “yes.”)
It’s possible, too, that he’s still exploring and figuring out the answers to these questions. I know I say this a lot, but couples therapy with a non-judgmental therapist familiar with these issues can help tease out the complex layers here and help you both find some clarity.
Yana Tallon-Hicks is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and writer living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.
