Hey Yana,
It’s looking like a threesome is on the (close) horizon for me and my partner.
I feel extremely secure in the relationship. I absolutely trust him and he’s been nothing but supportive of me and my feelings when the subject of threesomes has come up in the past. I’ve been fantasizing more and more about being intimate with women and the idea of being able to do that with him is extremely exciting. I’ve had way more experiences with threesomes than he has. He had one in college (now he’s 33, I’m almost 30) and I’ve had many over the years, both as the couple in the threesome and as the third in a couple’s threesome.
However, all of the threesomes I’ve had while I was in a relationship have not been done the right way, i.e. I was pressured into them or been made to feel like the third wheel, etc., but those experiences were eight years ago. So, it’s been a very long time since I’ve had a bad experience.
I’ve since learned that those were not normal experiences whatsoever and were done in toxic relationships and that that’s something I don’t have to be concerned about in my currently healthy relationship. Threesomes are something that are a fun experience for all parties involved, as long as there’s plenty of communication, and everyone is on the same page.
My partner and I have been together for just about a year and I’ve been wanting to share the fun experience of a threesome with him almost since we started seeing each other and even more so since he’s been so aware of my feelings and we’ve communicated very well on the subject.
What sorts of things boundary-wise should we talk about and what useful tips do you have for me as someone who is new to really wanting to have a threesome while in a relationship?
I just want to cover all my bases before getting frisky,
— Free to Be Three
Dear Free,
Well, you’ve certainly got the first base covered which, is knowing (unfortunately) through experience the difference between a consensual, communication-forward threesome and one that feels dismissive, exclusionary, and coercive. You’re right — communicating clearly about topics such as boundaries and making sure everyone is adequately informed about what they’re consenting to in the threesome department is a crucial step to setting the stage for threesome sex-cess.
For starters, use your own threesome experiences as a barometer for an instinctual gut-check. For example, you’ve been the third in a couple’s bed before and reported positive experiences. What contributed to your good time as a third? How can you and your partner create a similar hosting environment for your future third/s? By the same token, trust your gut if something feels off.
Talk with your partner and third about what everyone’s “fuck yes”s, “no way”s, and “I might consider it”s are. Discuss how you want to switch things up or end things if something isn’t going well during — it’s important to create space for everyone involved to change their minds or adjust things if something needs to change.
Then, a step many forget — fill your third in about these things. They don’t need to know ALL of you and your partner’s insecurities or dreams for this threesome but, it’s hard to get in sync during your group sex if one third of its members don’t know the structure of it.
Have a plan for taking care of each other/yourselves if something does indeed go awry (across the full spectrum of “XYZ made me feel kinda meh” to “XYZ triggered the shit out of me”). This plan should include things that don’t go well in-the-moment and also the feelings or realizations that might come up after-the-fact.
Ask yourselves and each other what kind of boundaries are going to make you feel good and safe for this — your first! — threesome. Resist the common urge to push yourselves to your absolute limits in order to “take advantage” of this exciting moment. Instead, buck the sex scarcity myth and assume that the successful boundaries of this threesome can and will build on the next one. Have fun!
Yana Tallon-Hicks is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and writer living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.
