Dear Yana,
I’m a former power bottom now freshly-turned Dom in a new dynamic. I’ve been finding that when my sub and I are apart, I’ve got a lot of great ideas of new things to do with her. Though I always vow to myself to try out those things when I’m with her next, I find that when we are in-person, I end up feeling overly romantic and then suddenly my ideas feel like a random departure or just silly. How do I break out of this romance rut and get into this Dom headspace IRL?
Secondly, how can I come up with more D/s ideas? The person I play with is drawn to submission because she likes to “shut off her controlling brain” so I want to figure out ways to have this kind of idea-generation collaboration happen without making her work too hard.
Thanks,
From the (Power) Bottom, Up
Dear Bottom, Up,
First, I would verbalize this conundrum to your partner. You may find that doing so might be just the thread you need to pull in order to unravel the whole conundrum sweater. Maybe she feels like it’s similarly challenging for her to shift from a romantic vibe to a kinky one or maybe she’s got a lot of ideas that she’s just waiting for you to ask her to share.
However, I can understand if doing this might feel like you’re undermining your own (consensual, playful, well-informed) power dynamic in this situation (for readers unfamiliar with BDSM, power exchange, and how this can be a healthy and consensual dynamic between adults, I recommend following @askasub on Instagram, checking out mrsexsmith.com, or reading the New Topping Book and the New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy).
If the latter is the case and you want to be able to gracefully pave the road between Romanceville and Kink Town, I suggest developing a ritual or protocol with your sub that indicates that there’s about to be a change of pace (though quick side note: BDSM can also be romantic so let’s not totally split the two).
This ritual or protocol can look like the sub putting on a special collar, performing a high-protocol routine like making and serving your tea just right or assuming a physical position like kneeling or sitting on the floor next to you, etc. It could also include some element of romance like giving her a back massage that always ends in a collaring situation or reserving certain pieces of lingerie for kinky play that you ask her to put on.
Of course, the key here is that whatever the ritual is, it needs to be known to your sub what it means in order for it to be effective (and consensual). While almost all of us know what leaving a sock on the door of the shared dorm room means, if we didn’t, it would not be very effective for either roommate to hang the sock there nor to see the sock there, resulting in some coitus interruptus at the very least.
As for new ideas, many kinksters hath come before you and several of them have provided a trail of freaky little breadcrumbs for the rest of us to follow. Instagram’s @askasub has a great digital course on Conscious Kink as well as several other resources including a Patreon and a special Discord channel. There are also many Instagram accounts that round-up digital courses by various educators who teach about scene-planning, Dominant and submissive flavor development, and the like such as @thekinkhub.
Most importantly, make sure to focus on creating a flavor of kink and scenes to go with it that are bespoke to you and your sub. There is no one-size-fits-all BDSM container so a lot of this will be guess-and-test and that will require communication with your partner. You can absolutely do this in a way that is pre-planned rather than mid-scene so that she can maintain her “no-brain-bliss” but zero talking ever is never an option.
Finally, don’t forget your power bottom roots, Bottoms, Up. What kind of things did your Tops do for you that really got *you* going? Maybe there’s a lead or two to follow from the past.
Yana Tallon-Hicks is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and writer living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.
