Hi Yana,
I started dating my boyfriend Jules (they/them) in March of this year and we’ve been having a lovely time. They’ve been polyamorous for a while and we’ve agreed on a non-hierarchical relationship. It’s been quite easy, and very dreamy to build a relationship with them.
I started dating my boyfriend Emery (they/them) in May of this year, just as my relationship with Jules was taking off. Emery and I get along really well, but they are less experienced in polyamory and more prone to jealousy. Their main concern is ensuring that I’m not prioritizing Jules over them and I do my best to show that I love them both equally, without hierarchy. To Emery’s credit, we’re working together on jealousy and it’s getting better.
Things have started to get really interesting since Jules and Emery started hanging out in September, when Jules told me they have a crush on Emery. I’m thrilled about this, and I’d like it if they were dating, too. Spread the love!
However, Jules has been bringing up excellent points about how messy it could get. For example, what if me and Emery break up? Where does it leave their relationship with Jules? Or vice versa? What if Jules and I break up?
I haven’t seen too many polyamory resources out there that cover this example, where “couple privilege” doesn’t apply. Do you have any advice on how to best set up things so that we all can be dating together, while maintaining our independent relationships to each other?
— Signed, Sticky Not Stuck
Dear Sticky,
You’re right — this set-up can get sticky quickly but most polyamorous people I know aren’t too shy about deftly navigating complex relationships. In this particular situation it’s going to be important that the three of you negotiate how much involvement each person wants or is expected to have in the other person’s dyadic relationship.
Unless you’re planning on throupling up with the three of you maintaining one three-person relationship together as a central focus, you need to figure out the borders of your particular three-circle Venn Diagram comprised of four areas of relating: 1. You and Jules, 2. You and Emery, 3. Emery and Jules, and 4. The inevitable ways the three of you influence and interact with each other. Certain things are going to naturally fall into the fourth category — safer sex agreements and scheduling, for example, will impact all three of you automatically. However, certain elements of privacy are going to need to be teased apart more specifically.
How do you want to handle personal information and to who/how it’s shared? It’s my personal opinion that each dyad should have privacy within that relationship so that it can be its own independent relationship with its own ecosystem of emotional connections, sex life, and romantic expressions — especially if your goal is to maintain a non-hierarchical stance.
Regarding your shared goal of non-hierarchy, it may be useful to delineate between non-hierarchy as a stance and the ways hierarchy may play out in practical, daily life. For the uninitiated, non-hierarchal relationships shirk what’s called “couple privilege” in favor of treating all relationships equally in emotion, time, commitment, and prioritization so that all relationships in any particular network are able to develop to their own fullest extent.
Many non-monogamists can confuse non-hierarchy with automatic sameness and equality in time, feelings, and activities. Rather than view non-hierarchy as “we spend equal days together doing similar things in order to balance the books”, it can be more freeing and less conflictual for non-hierarchical dynamics to instead view their non-hierarchy as the value system of their network rather than a literal tit-for-tat calculation. You can be non-hierarchical and accept the logistical realities of any particular connection — for example, if you live together, you may spend more “non-quality,” domestic time together by sheer design.
Finally, rather than working to prevent the chips from falling at all, shore up the skills you’ll need when the chips inevitably fall where they may. Self-care, building your external support networks, and really walking the talk of allowing each relationship to flourish and flail on its own path will take you further than maintaining perfection ever will.
Yana Tallon-Hicks, LMFT is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and author living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.
