By Yana Tallon-Hicks
For the Valley Advocate
Dear Yana,
I’m in a committed relationship with someone I care about deeply, and I’ve crossed a line I never thought I would — I’m having an affair. I love my partner and we have a real life together. And still, I’ve been lying to them for months. I keep telling myself I’m doing it to protect them, but the truth is I’m exhausted from the double life and the constant fear of being found out.
I want to tell them in the hopes that we can process the pain and hurt and move forward. But, I don’t know how to confess without blowing everything up. I don’t know if there’s a way to tell someone you’ve betrayed them that isn’t cruel. How do I tell my partner I’m having an affair when I still love them and don’t want things to end? How can I offer to build back trust while also giving them space to process?
Thanks,
‘Fraid to Fess
Dear Fess,
Affairs are increasingly common but rarely happen because the betrayed partner failed or fell short. Instead, they happen in moments of identity rupture on behalf of the person having the affair. Affairs are rarely about the partner who was betrayed — they’re more about the person who stepped out to have the affair — often when they are longing to feel alive, wanted, or momentarily unburdened by the very life they’ve created.
Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t an excuse. But it does help focus on what the affair is actually about: you — not your partner, your affair partner, or either relationship. I’m not saying that all affairs have nothing to do with the state of the relationship or the actions (or inactions) of the other partner/s involved but it’s far more common for affairs to be rooted in you over anything else. More importantly, this framing deeply matters when you disclose and will come in absolute handy as you and your partner attempt to move forward.
If you can’t identify what this affair was showing you about you then it will be far harder to confide in your partner about your motivation for the affair, it’ll make it harder to be specific about how you’ll change your daily actions in order to prevent an affair from happening again, and it’ll incorrectly lay more responsibility than is warranted in the lap of your partner.
If you’re only going into this disclosure because you’re secretly hoping it’ll erase-and-reset what’s been done (and what needs doing), your partner will sense that, you’ll fail to take accountability, and the point and process of disclosure will either stall out or blow up. Confession is not a repair strategy – it is an accountability act and a first step towards building a new structure where a faulty one once stood.
Unfortunately, there’s no cruelty-free way to disclose, but there is a responsible one. Having an affair is not a way to avoid pain for anyone involved so trying to do-so now is a bit of a fool’s errand. However, you can reduce damage done in the way you disclose. Don’t confess impulsively during a fight, give graphic sexual details or comparisons, frame it as something that “just happened”, or rush your partner toward forgiveness or a decision.
Instead, responsible disclosure might sound something like this: “I need to tell you something difficult because you deserve to know the truth about our relationship. I’ve been having an affair. I’m not telling you to force an outcome or ask for immediate forgiveness. I’m telling you because I want to end the affair, to take responsibility, answer your questions, and let you decide what you need next.” In this last sentence, you are importantly returning agency to them rather than asking them to manage your anxiety.
Wanting to rebuild trust is understandable but the timeline might move slower than you’d like. Trust isn’t built overnight via confession but is steadily restored through predictability, transparency, and consistently. Importantly, this is a process that takes time. A couples therapist who is light on the shame and heavy-handed on the accountability can be a helpful professional companion in this process as you work towards getting more specific about what being a trust-worthy partner means to you and your partner from here.
Yana Tallon-Hicks, LMFT is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and author living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.
