By Yana Tallon-Hicks
For the Valley Advocate

 

Dear Yana,

My boyfriend (“Tim”) knowingly violated a red-line boundary of mine by accepting a job at a particularly Evil Company. As a result, we’ve been on a break. They’ve apologized and have since left that company — they resigned within the first week — but I’m not sure if I want to get back together after the damage has been done.

Tim told me they didn’t tell me about accepting the job offer because they knew I would break up with them over it. We’ve talked about how we don’t want to return to our previous relationship dynamic in multiple ways but I’m unsure where I want to go from here – mainly I’m wondering, how do we recover from this breach of trust?

Thanks,

Keeping Good Company  

Dear Good Company,

There are two important flags that have my attention here: 1) The values violation and 2) The lying — both of which are enveloped by an even bigger, overarching flag of The Avoidance. Rather than face the conflict of your personal values — don’t work for Evil Company — clashing with their desire to work for this company (desire or financial need?) head-on, they chose the path of “act now and ask for forgiveness later.”

Though one person’s Evil Company may be another person’s gainful employment, who is “right” in this situation isn’t the foundational — though certainly not a moot — point, relationship-dynamically-speaking. Rather, the biggest issue present is why Tim chose avoidance over conflict.

People operate in avoidant ways in their relationships for many different reasons. These could be individually driven — such as Tim’s family history, where avoiding conflict was safer than addressing it — or relationally constructed between partners. For instance, a couple may lack mutual confidence in essential conflict skills like emotional regulation and self-advocacy.

The fact that Tim looked at a strong value of yours and decided to skirt around it secretly is a worthwhile concern. The details of how the truth and the job-quitting came about — did Tim tell you or did you find out? And how? Did they quit the job based on their own values and decisions or at your insistence? — are also important to note.

Your statement that the two of you don’t want to return to your previous relationship dynamic is a hopeful start. I would recommend talking through what set Tim, you, and your relationship up for The Avoidance to take priority over conflict and conversation.

If it was a lack of conflict skills, make a solid plan about what you each need to learn and adjust in order to make your new relationship dynamic one that is inhospitable to The Avoidance. Maybe Tim needs to excavate why they avoid rather than address. Maybe the two of you need to practice different ways of reacting to disappointment. Maybe you need to re-assert your values.

Ultimately, this isn’t just about accepting a job offer. This is about what each of you choose to do when you have differences in values, honesty and behavior. This is also about what Tim chooses to do when they see a request (don’t work for Evil Company) that they don’t agree with. If you widen your lens to include future differences and decision points, this does become concerning though certainly not doom-worthy.

Adjusting avoidance patterns, becoming more values-aligned, and learning new skills is absolutely possible. And, trust cannot be rebuilt until you have clear goals around changing the personal choices and shared dynamic that created the circumstances for The Avoidance to happen in the first place and you, Good Company, see those new patterns taking place consistently over time.

You may notice I haven’t used the word “boundary” here in my response. This is because I encourage you to re-assert your own values without mistaking them for boundaries. A boundary is about control of yourself (not of others) and about your response if/when your boundary is crossed. Meaning, Good Company, that choosing to be in a relationship with someone who is values-aligned may establish stronger personal boundaries than might attempting to convince someone to hold your values for you as a price of admission to the relationship. This is especially true if those values are just not something they actually believe in.

Yana Tallon-Hicks, LMFTis a relationship therapist, sex educator, and authorliving in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.