I’ve seen egotistical leaders of Sunday School empires gone wild-eyed with the certainty of Rapture based on numerology and too much caffeine, heard many a nutball prediction of when the world will end. All par for the course growing up in the Southern Baptist world, where the nutballs regularly make less narrow Christians look bad. But when it comes to self-important fervor, never have I seen the equal of Pastor Steven Anderson. He regularly insults those he claims he wishes to save. (Good strategy!)
He’s a fascinating dude, at least if you’re fascinated by the tangles of self-taught theologians. There’s nothing this fellow hasn’t figured out through logical leaps that take necessarily inexact translations from ancient languages and cultures and attempt to apply them to the modern world, in which they can’t, ipso facto, function the same way. I mean, robes simply weren’t widely considered “nancy boy” material until recently, no matter what Bible verse you employ. And there’s always unsolvable translation questions like Jonah’s gourd. But don’t tell him that–you’re just a theological liberal with non-biblical education, something against which Anderson rails, and I mean rails. This makes things like master’s degrees and robes bad.
You may have heard of him, because he’s gotten some airtime for praying for Obama’s death and supporting a death penalty for gays and adulterers. Of course, any old nutball can say such things. But Anderson is a dedicated fellow. He leads his Arizona flock in some remarkable directions.
It’s head-smacking stuff, but a goldmine of lessons in fundamentalist psi collapse. It is with reservation that I point out the madness here–as a son of the Baptist world, I know there are plenty of good people who get a bad rep because of guys like this. This, however, is so nutty it’s parody-proof. In fact, it reads like parody.
That said, here are some of Anderson’s highlights.
On why almost all music other than 50-plus year-old hymns is evil (and syncopation? Don’t even talk about syncopation):
Many have suggested that wrong music is music that has more prevalent rhythm than melody. This concept is not only illogical and immeasurable, but it is also not found in the Bible. Others have suggested that drums are the deciding factor between good music and bad music. Still others consider syncopation the sin of wrong music.
…
If music without drums, syncopation, or a rock beat is acceptable music, then “Yesterday” by the Beatles would be suitable for a Christian. This song has no drums, syncopation, or rock n roll beat – so what’s wrong with it? It doesn’t talk about drugs, illicit behavior, or violence – so what’s wrong with it? What’s wrong with it is the source. It was written by God-hating communist devils. Rock n roll music was pioneered by ungodly sinners like Little Richard, a sodomite filthy animal, and Ray Charles, a heroin addict.
One wonders if he’s acquainted with Elvis Costello’s famous statement about Ray Charles. Maybe they should have a beer together (non-alcoholic, to prevent any more outbursts)?
I could have simplified the “wrong music” calculation for him. Here’s a handy list of questions to ask yourself about music to make things easy–
Does it involve one or more members or former members of the Eagles? Then it’s wrong.
Does it involve lyrics about walks on the beach or show up on the soundtrack to a late ’70s or early ’80s drama? Wrong.
Was it written by a band of men who could pass as the stunt doubles for Charlie’s Angels? Also wrong.
Does it show up in any PBS specials involving Josh Groban and/or Idina Menzel’s teeth? Very wrong.
Is it this? I cannot adequately advise you.
Anyway. The best of Anderson, bar none, is this pro-pants, anti-robe/long hair screed:
There is no place in the Bible that even insinuates that Jesus had long hair. Sodomite homosexuals such as Michelangelo painted Jesus to look effeminate and to have long hair in order to make him fit their own queer image.
These same type of paintings have also given people the idea that “Jesus did not wear pants.” Some have even made utterly ridiculous and bizarre statements such as, “pants had not been invented yet,” or “they didn’t have pants back then.” According to these “scholars,” the men of the past who built the pyramids and Stonehenge just hadn’t thought of pants yet!
What I believe is based upon the Bible, not “historical evidence,” but the historical record also proves that men in the ancient Middle East wore pants. For example, at the famous battle of Thermopylae (480BC), every historian reports that the Persian (Iranian) soldiers were wearing pants down to their ankles, while the homosexual, perverted Spartans were wearing short skirts or even less!
I guess it all comes down to the difference in one man’s mind between “historical evidence” and historical evidence. Well, that and perverted Spartans. Something tells me this fellow owns a really well-worn copy of 300.
