Do you have too many Facebook friends? Tired of all those Twitter followers paying attention to you?
Friends and family noticing what you have to say and share on social media is a big problem for many. We know there are lots of people looking to get rid of their friends and followers. We see them in our news feeds all the time trying their best to be offensive, boring, or just a huge downer: the binge posters, online harassers, tag misusers. But if you’ve tried your best to get people to leave you alone online and you’re still somehow popular, allow us to help you seal the deal and get you unfriended, unfollowed, and flagged for sure.
∎ Turn everyday items, like deli meat, into shockingly life-like renditions of genitalia. That’ll surely make some of your friends squirm when it shows up — over and over again — in their feed.
∎ Tell us exactly how many squats you do, then exactly what you eat afterwards — don’t skip an ingredient and don’t forget to keep us posted about the next squat sesh and mealtime!
∎ Post jpegs of trite inspirational quotes typed onto generic, calming clip art. The more you post inane crap like that, the less your friends believe in your ability to be a functional adult.
∎ Tag your friends in tons of photos they aren’t in simply to draw attention to your post advertising sunglasses, some purse party or whatever else you’re into. That’s a sure-fire way to send some negative attention in your direction.
∎ Post 100 blurry, dark or otherwise terrible pictures a day — one at a time — of various things no one cares about.
∎ Post sexist or racist things because you’re an edgey comedic genius.
∎ “Vaguebook,” i.e. post intentionally cryptic sentiments. Beg for your friends’ attention — make them desperate to know what’s wrong with you! Sample posts that count as vaguebooking: “Wondering if it is all worth it,” or, “So close and yet so far!!” or, “Hmm … I wonder if I should?”
∎ Are you doing laundry? Moving your bowels? Did you just hock up a loogie? Share, share, share.
∎ Post tons of photos of abused animals.You’re not helping spread awareness. You’re making people uncomfortable in a startled, irritated way, not in an educative, empowering way.
∎ Post creepy things on other people’s photos. “Yum, daddy like ;)” Also, the less you know these people, the better.
∎ Post at least five heavily airbrushed photos of yourself a day — each with a longing, duck-faced gaze towards the camera’s lens that are indistinguishable from the selfies that came before it. We’ll call this “Voguebooking.”
∎ Take every story your Google feed delivers about politics — stuff about guns is the best — and post it with a snarky comment as if all your friends agree.
∎ Be a sad sack. Everyday it’s work sucks, boyfriend sucks, kids suck, I’m sick, assholes everywhere, and why are people so rude to me?
∎ A former friend once posted about how delicious his oatmeal was because he chewed up fresh cherries, spat the flesh into the mush and the pit into a bowl. That, people. That.•
