I write to you from the flaming, rainbow-hued ruins of the state of Massachusetts. Let us be a warning to all of you who are now experiencing the first stage of blowback from the latest liberal policy writ large. It is my hope that what we have seen in the Bay State can serve as a guide to you in dark days. Everything was verdant and peaceful here a scant few years ago. This was the state of codfish and dropped Rs, a redoubt of industry and prosperity. Then, in a fit of legislative pique, Yankee ingenuity went sour.
First, our star of tight-lipped Republicanism, Mitt Romney, turned rogue. It must have been too many lobster rolls agitating his thin-blooded Utah gastro system, but he went and made health insurance mandatory. Little did we know this maneuver would later serve as the model of the Democratic balderdash we know as Obamacare. The effects were immediate. My dyspeptic friends who had relied solely on bootstraps and butterfly bandages suddenly displayed a spryness of step commonly reserved for the well. Their new situation, they told me, was not one of perfection — they were forced to give money to insurance companies or even to Mass Health, a provider run by the state. We grumbled, but they seemed happier.
However, that was merely the beginning. Thanks to our own black-robed judges, gay marriage became the law of the land 11 years ago. It is here we must linge, knowing as I do that this union of equals troubles you greatly, particularly with its emphasis on rainbows and, probably, unicorns.
There are several stages you are about to go through. Your daily life will be affected. At first, you will probably feel tremendous anger as you back from the driveway for your daily commute. “They’re gonna let gay people get married?” you may say. “How could they do this to me?”
You may look at your spouse of many years and experience confusing feelings. Your married love meant so much, but now that gay people can experience this very same marital state, what’s the point? Everything was great when the club limited its members to only 90 percent of the population. But if anybody can do it?
Hold steady, friend. Don’t get divorced and don sackcloth and ashes immediately. Though your marriage may be a hollow shell of its former self, a shell that’s battered anew every time a lesbian bride rents a U-haul, there’s something left. Your love for your spouse need not die, though it will look different through rainbow glasses.
The changes will not end there. You may, if you live in an urban environment, see two men or two women walking down the street holding hands. The shock may be compounded when you notice the glint of rings on their interlocked mitts. When one of these couples completes a walk-by, things may get really complicated. You may pat your pockets in vain, searching for the religious liberty they’ve stolen. You may, it’s true, no longer be able to discriminate against them in a Christian manner. You may believe you now understand the Bible verse “Jesus wept.” Still, your Sunday School will continue meeting.
Before long, you will find something else unfamiliar happening. Once you’ve given up hope of limiting the lives of non-believers or former believers spurned by discrimination, a deceptive sense of calm may invade. Your life, you may notice, is now almost exactly the same as before. The burden of oppressing others is gone. It is this dull state which has taken hold in this once-proud commonwealth.
Chin up, fellow traveler — there are new battles waiting. If you eschew the unconditional love and forgiveness preached by Jesus, you need only look a little further into the book of Leviticus, from whence cometh the talk of homosexuality (between, it should be noted, believers), to find a new target. It says, right there in black and white, “neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee.”
It’s time to take up arms against inferior tailoring. A sea of sinners is out there, proudly, unashamedly sporting a woolen and cotton mix. Each one of these mixed-fiber wearers presents an affront to your religious liberty equal to that of gay unions.
So fear not. All is not lost. If you find your spirits flagging, you can join the movement to finally, at last, take on the polyester-blend scourge.•
James Heflin can be reached at jheflin@valleyadvocate.com.
