As of last year, I love my body hair. I especially like my pubic hair because I can style it, usually depending on my mood: totally unshaven, as a strip, but rarely fully shaven. However, I’ve noticed that when I have the chance to get intimate with someone, I shave both my lower legs and underarms and I tidy down below.
I used to be more self-conscious of my body hair when seeing guys than I am now. Currently, I’m primarily seeing women. I worried more about shaving my entire legs, underarms, and down the front when seeing guys. When living with my only boyfriend last year, he asked me to shave my legs because it felt like he was in bed with a guy. I was offended. My hair is blonde and barely noticeable, but the feeling of it bugged him. He’s now an ex-boyfriend, BTW.
At this point, I’m completely attracted to women sexually and emotionally but I could do to feel more comfortable with my body. What does all this mean and what can I do? What is the opinion of natural female body hair in the Valley?
We’re pummeled with mass media and capitalist constructions of what makes us beautiful in terms of our body size, skin color, gender presentation, and — body hair! Not only do these messages directed towards women affect women, but they affect men too, as they affirm or shame their feelings of attraction to women (am I a freak if I’m into women who don’t shave?). Mass-marketed beauty standards affect people of all genders and sexual orientations by affirming or denying people’s masculinity, femininity, and partner choices — again, body hair choices.
A limited concept of “ideal masculine beauty” tends to involve muscles, chiseled jaw-lines, and unfortunately these days, the dreaded man-bun. “Ideal feminine beauty” contains a long list of qualifiers, one of which dictates what we “should” do with the natural hair that grows on our bodies including our legs, underarms, pubes, eyebrows, and heads.
Does this mean that we’re only sexy, gorgeous beings when we fulfill these standards? NO! Spend a few minutes contemplating what you find sexy in another person and you’ll have a prime example of the wide variety of what makes a person attractive. Multiply that by 7 billion(ish) people’s individual tastes when it comes to sex and relationships and you’ll see that the tiny box called Beauty Standards certainly can’t contain them all. Can we only exude femininity with smooth legs? Masculinity with man-buns? I hope not!
The thing your charming ex-boyfriend (nice job dumping that one, BTW) didn’t understand is that hair has no gender. Everyone has body hair.Your ex’s interpretation that he was “in bed with a guy” based on a leg — when clearly he wasn’t — says a lot more about his own gender and sexuality insecurities and internalized media messages than anything else.
How we choose to navigate what makes us feel beautiful as individuals is exactly that — a choice. More specifically, LFL, it’s your choice. Not your shitty ex-boyfriend’s choice, and not the choice of anyone else you decide to sleep with.
Are you somehow less enlightened because you want to put your best bush forward the first time you hook up with someone? Not at all! Getting gussied up to impress a new mate is a natural inclination. If that means shaving your body hair to you, LFL, then do it! But if it feels forced, coerced, or uncomfortable — don’t!
In most queer relationships, LFL, beauty standards are often bent beyond traditional gender norms and heteronormative ideals of what constitutes feminine and masculine beauty, as queer sex and sexiness is often defined by a spectrum rather than a binary. What a good space to explore what length of body hair feels best to you!
Queer, straight, or otherwise, LFL, if someone is attracted to you as a whole, choice-making person, they’ve got to take the entire package — pubes and all. •
