Hey, Yana,
I’m a queer lady in my mid-20s and I’ve been with my boyfriend for about four years now. We’ve got an awesome hot and freaky sex life and we’re on the brink of our very first threesome with another girl. We’re both really excited that this is happening, but we’re wondering about threesome etiquette. How do we get things started? How do you be a good threesome host? What are some rules we should set?
— Threeway Nookie Rookie
Hi TWNR,Plans well-laid will get all three of you well laid! So, I’m glad to see that y’all are thinking about how to make your threesome safe and intentional rather than letting it occur willy-nilly, “by accident,” or in an otherwise alcohol-fueled happenstance manner. (Tip 1: Ditch the drinks.)
As an established couple, you’ve got some hosting responsibilities. First, have a frank talk with your boyfriend about boundaries and agreements. Remember, these can change and grow as you both evolve in your three-way practice — if it continues — so don’t widen your scope more than feels comfortable. As fellow sex educator Dawn Serra says, “It’s better to leave everyone wanting more than regretting that they didn’t do less.”
Some boundaries to consider: Penetrative sex acts tend to be precious between partners. Who can get penetrated by whom and where?
Safer sex agreements: Who’s on birth control? Do you have a truckload of condoms/gloves/dams so you can change them as many times as sex acts and partner-pairings change?
Sleepovers?
Encores?
Is this a one-time thing or are you open to more sex with this particular person?
Then, have a sit-down with your new special friend outside of a sexual context where you can actually talk. Remember: She’s also a human being with feelings and boundaries and a body that is her very own. Tell her where your lines are. For example, “We will always use barriers and will change them with every sex act.” “I don’t feel comfortable with you giving him blow jobs for now, but other sex acts are open pending consent between the two of you.” Do not, however, create rules, like “If you want to sleep with both of us you have to provide both of us with oral sex.” This talk is about everyone setting their personal limits for themselves and determining where everyone’s yes-es overlap. Agreeing on a format can prevent real-time awkwardness — though, there will be plenty of that.
Don’t forget to plan for aftercare. What does your third like to have during and after a good sweaty bang-hang? Popsicles? Gluten-free snacks? Does she have a favorite lube? Favorite sex toy? Cater your bedside table to her. And make plans with your main squeeze to reconnect after your threesome in a way that makes both of you feel pampered and allows time to talk about the experience — “You were so hot when … or “I’m feeling a little jealous about …” What helps you and your boyfriend connect? A dinner date? Spending an hour without technology together?
Merry menage, Rookie!
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Yana Tallon-Hicks is a pleasure-positive writer and educator living in the Pioneer Valley. She has a website bursting with sex advice, resources, and workshops at yanatallonhicks.com.
