Many of you Valley Advocate readers turn to this back section under the pretense that you’re brushing up on your weekly horoscope. Though I enjoy reading Rob Brezsny as much as the next wandering soul, you have to admit, it’s also a good excuse to peek at this sexy little back page the V-spot calls home. Why choose when you could have both? For those reaching for the stars in the sack, I present the V-Spot’s seasonal asstrology —my best sex-related recommendations customized to each zodiac sign. Here’s how to best get sprung with spring signs Aries, Taurus and Gemini.
Powerful and controlling Aries (March 21st–April 19th) is a known motivator who will eagerly take the reins of any new sexual adventure or experiment. Aries is a strong leader in any cooperative project who can, at times, approach sex like a fist fight with the goal of sexually defeating his/her partners. Therefore, Aries could be a perfect roll in the astrological hay for a naughty, submissive bottom in need of a good Ramming, or could show some hot, tough love to another Aries. Aries’ partners must be prepared for what this horny animal dishes out, as its powerful energy has been known to physically and emotionally overwhelm and is not for the faint-of-______.
If you’ve been wanting to fulfil (or even bring up) a risque fantasy, trigger-happy Aries will confidently fire the first shot. (Since Aries is astrologically suited for jobs like firefighter, surgeon and mechanic, the role-playing basically scripts itself). Likewise, if you’ve got a sexual mission to accomplish, like finding your G-spot, having your first orgasm or mastering anal sex, Aries won’t quit until the job’s done.
For you, Aries, I’d recommend books on Tantric sex like The Multi-Orgasmic Couple, which will help you pace and harness some of your go-get-’em sexual prowess. When sexcessory shopping, the sky’s the limit for you; just make sure to educate yourself about potential new experiments like bondage and role-playing before jumping in. Cater to your natural impatience with visual sex education tools like the explicit video clips found on KinkAcademy.com or Tristan Taormino’s pornographic expert guides.
For those writhing to Aries’ wrath, stock up on lube but don’t bother with the Kama Sutra. Aries’ll be eating those pages for breakfast.
Romantic, loyal and passionate Taurus (April 20th – May 20th) is a straightforward lover with a down-to-earth approach. Though sensuous between the sheets, Taurus is a no-nonsense sexual partner who, despite her astrological mascot, doesn’t appreciate the bull. Without patience for talk and fantasy, you’ll have to take your role-playing, dirty talk and nonessential sexcessories elsewhere.
Become fluent in body language and stick to the sexual basics for Taurus, catering toward her earthy mentality and green thumb. Grab this bull by the horns with lubes from Sliquid’s organic line, tap into his romantic side with earth-friendly soy wax massage candles from JimmyJane, and go with the flow of Taurus’s love of music with OhMiBod’s Club Vibe, which pulses to the beats of your favorite ambient tunes. And because I know how you hate jaw-flapping, Taurus, I’d recommend investing in a ball-gag for the partners who just won’t shut up.
Gemini’s (May 21st – June 21st) notorious dual identity is just begging for risque, sexual adventure. Curious explorers who are excellent multi-taskers, Geminis are pair-perfect—think threesomes, double penetration and double-ended dildos like the Nexus. Other Gemini gems include twice-as-nice toys like the Rabbit vibrator, which stimulates the G-spot internally while vibrating the clitoris and dildos like stainless steel Njoy toys or glass Spectrals (whose materials easily absorb hot and cold temperatures for enjoyable, penetrative polarity).
Though Geminis are sure to double your pleasure and your fun, note that the way to intellectual Gemini’s heart (and his other throbbing organs) is through his head (no, not that one). Introduce new sex acts with books like Vicki Vantoch’s The Threesome Handbook and Taormino’s The Anal Sex Position Guide.
Geminis are not natural-born leaders and can have trouble finishing what they’ve started, so expect to be the doer with this laid-back sign, who’ll be happiest lying there and taking it. Just make sure to keep it interesting, because this flighty, double-sided one bores easily and will quickly stray.
