HELP YANA!
I’m addicted to my Hitachi!
I’ve had a primary partner for just under a year. The sex is awesome, intimate, and fun. However, very rarely can I have sex and get off without using toys, and I think it’s starting to frustrate them.
I don’t have a lot of clitoral sensitivity as it is, so my Hitachi is always involved. I don’t want them to feel like they are taking a back seat to my toys, or for them to feel disconnected because I need it to feel pleasure.
Are there ways to help increase sensitivity so I don’t have to use it every time?! Are there any suggested vibes that aren’t as cumbersome but are just as powerful??
Shaken not Stirred
Dear Shaken,
You’re not the first person to send me their fears of Hitachi addiction. After all, vagina-equipped folks knowing how to get themselves off, and in a less-than-dainty manner no less, is quite counter to the ways in which we’ve been taught that feminine pleasure needs to be delicate, receptive, and penis-induced.
FYI: the Hitachi Magic Wand is a serious tool of the clitoral-stimulation trade. Roughly shaped like a microphone with about a foot-long handle and deep, rumbly vibration speeds ranging from rave-reverb to belt-sander, this vibrator doesn’t mess. Loyal readers won’t be surprised that I’ve got strong opinions about both the Magic Wand (um, love it) and the idea of “vibrator addiction” (don’t believe in it).
For a long time, sex toys have been pitted against (specifically penis-equipped) partners. Insecure fears of replacement abound in this battle and I’m over it. Logistically speaking, a partner’s body parts just don’t vibrate. Over 70 percent of folks require direct, consistent, clitoral stimulation in order to have a clitoral orgasm, leaving about 30-35 percent who are able to climax clitorally from penetration alone.
Likewise, penetrating yourself with the Hitachi would be questionably safe and would likely not scratch that particular itch. Don’t take a power drill to a nail and don’t take a hammer to a screw if you want to get the job at hand done, is all I’m saying. Besides, the Hitachi will likely be a far worse cuddler, dirty-talker, or kisser than your human partner.
Now, the Magic Wand is certainly not the equivalent of eating a salad on a first date while you dab your mouth with a lace napkin. No. The Hitachi is like ordering BBQ ribs, and hey, while you’re at it, why not also challenge yourself to an eating contest, hands tied behind your back?
The Magic Wand takes up space. It’s a machine to be handled, and it says “My vibrator is powerful and so is my pleasure. So, get into it or get off, because that’s what I came to do.” Not everyone can handle this energy. But does that mean that you need to adjust your pleasure to suit them?
If you want other options, go for vibrators that have a lower, rumbly frequency. JimmyJane and WeVibe make some that are smaller, svelter, and pretty powerful. You can wean yourself off of your Hitachi by only masturbating with your hands or a weaker toy in your collection. But why take yourself down to a 6 when you already know how to hit an 11?
Experiment with ways that your partner can connect to you and your pleasure without ousting the Magic Wand entirely. Teach them how to hold it against your body just right. Have them lay close to you while you use it — they can stimulate other areas of your body, whisper sweet or salty nothings in your ear, or join you for mutual masturbation. Invest in a Liberator position pillow that has a holder for the Magic Wand so that you can use it hands-free during penetrative sex. Incorporate it into bondage play with rope ties designed to hold the Magic Wand to your sweet spots.
If you know how to get yourself off, if it feels good, and you’ve got access to the toys, internal permission, and self-awareness to do so, I would suggest that it’s not the Magic Wand that needs to go, but the influence of various social stigmas/your partner’s ego that need their settings adjusted.
Yana Tallon-Hicks is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and writer living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com.
