A Mickey Mouse war policy begets Mickey Mouse results. On that note, the perfect coda to the five-year-old disaster that is John McCain's favorite war just arrived. The company that built Disneyland, Los Angeles-based C3, is now designing a multi-million dollar entertainment complex on a 50-acre lot adjacent to the Green Zone in Baghdad.
That lot conveniently became available when, as a result of the invasion of Iraq, the once world-class Baghdad Zoo was looted and destroyed, the animals scattered among the rubble that was operations Shock and Awe and Enduring Freedom.
In the wake of the bungled invasion, the zoo was left without power and then abandoned. The animals, many rare, were killed and eaten, or stolen and sold on the black market. Of the 700 animals in the zoo, only 35 survived.
But, just as in a Disney fairy tale, the souls of these dead animals will inhabit the bodies of the cartoon characters who will serve as ushers and greeters at the thrilling new "Baghdad Zoo and Entertainment Experience."
The $525 million project, says C3's owner, "will be managed by the Iraqis" (that's a good one—just like the oil fields) and the "experience" will be "culturally sensitive" (that's an even better one).
Americans will no doubt be proud of this glimmering jewel; it's exactly what the families who sacrificed their children for Bush and McCain had in mind.
Even though there's no running water in parts of Baghdad, the electricity is sparse at best, and suicide bombers are still killing an average of 100 civilians a week, this will, in the words of C3's director, be a welcome sight to Iraqis. He told the London Times, "The people need this kind of positive influence. It's going to have a huge psychological impact."
Another big supporter of the Disney "Experience" is Bush lapdog General David Petraeus who said Baghdad was otherwise "lacking in entertainment."
If this weren't all so predictably ham-handed and galling, it would be funny. Bush and his cronies may not have made a dent in al Qaeda's numbers, but they've pretty much eliminated the need for satirists. That the few satirists who have found work—Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Lewis Black, Bill Maher—are more trusted as news sources than mainstream journalists is itself beyond the reach of satire.
So what does one do with such news as Disneyland in Baghdad? Well, shall we propose a few attractions at this new park?
If Disneyland has "Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters," then the Baghdad "Experience" should have "Bush Litebeer Blasters." On this "adventure," you can drive while drunk and evade "Experience" police and, if you're arrested, you can call your rich "Bag-Daddy" to get you off and destroy the arrest report. The Baghdad "Experience" doesn't have "Indiana Jones' Adventure," but it does have "Mayberry Machiavelli's Big (Mis)Adventure," on which you can "Team up with Captain Codpiece and journey into the sacred—and deadly—chambers of the Temple of the Forbidden Pretzel."
Regular features throughout your visit to the "Experience" also include the "(Bad) Dreams Come True" Fireworks Spectacular ("watch in wonder as state-of-the-art IEDs and shoulder-launched rockets burst across the sky high above Sleeping Neocon Castle").
And let's not forget "Charade of Schemes" (formerly "Parade of Dreams"), during which visitors are encouraged to don flak jackets, secure a 25-man bodyguard team and join Sen. McCain as he "ambles on down to Main Street, U.S.A. for this larger-than-life spectacle packed with over 50 explosive devices, dazzling rock throwing contests and unbelievable special effects, including dismemberments and beheadings. Yow!"
I can already foresee next year's military recruitment pitch:
"Attention, 18- to 40-year-olds! You're going to Disneyland!"
