So many sex and dating clichés, so many hot-tub induced yeast-infections, accidental sex farts, and awkward threesomes.
Here’s to half-a-dozen intimate “ideals” that gotta go:
∎ Subtly hit on your crush. No. Make that flirting obvious as hell. I don’t mean in a creepy, non-consensual way. Take a little time to read your crush’s vibe, like are they seeing someone? Do they want to be seeing someone? Are they even interested in your specific gender? But once you’re pretty sure y’all are vibin’, don’t waste your time dropping, “so, what are you doing this weekend?” hints and, “I’ve got an extra concert ticket” breadcrumbs. Telling someone you think they’re beautiful and awesome and you want to take them on a proper date is swoon-worthy, not to mention time-efficient (which, to me, is also swoon-worthy). Chivalry isn’t dead, but being indirect about what you want is.
∎ Take your first date to a fancy dinner. I’ve spent the majority of my working life waiting tables and let me tell you, a server can always tell whether a couple on a date has had sex together or hasn’t, and if it’s ever going to happen. We know when it’s about to get awkward before you do. So here’s a tip: take your first date out for a coffee or do something off-beat like a picnic at the Peace Pagoda in Leverett or to the bank to rob them of all their pens (a tempting date suggestion made to me on OKCupid once). If you decide you want to have The Sex, then drop the big bucks on dinner. Everyone will have a better time (your server included).
∎ Go out to dinner, then have sex. Why is it the trend to stuff yourself and then … well, stuff your date? When I go to a nice dinner, I’m there to eat. And after three, four, or 10 courses of fine food, what I really want to do is watch Friends reruns and snuggle. If things don’t sit well, you might also want to be sitting on a toilet rather than a date’s face. Instead, have sex before dinner, preferably in the middle of the day when you’ve digested lunch, are still riding that second-coffee caffeine high and before you get super hungry for dinner. Then luxuriate in dinner. Then luxuriate in Netflix, leaving your stomach to digest as it sees fit.
∎ Have sex in bodies of water. Hot tubs, showers, swimming pools, the ocean — Why do we glorify submerged sex? Chlorine in my vagina? Gross. Communal hot tub water in my vagina? Grosser. Sand in my ass? Ouch. Have you ever tried to go down on someone in the shower? Sheer suffocation risk. Not to mention all of these wet places wash away your body’s natural lubrication as well as any water-based lube you might try to apply, making things oddly frictional compared to your aquarium-like environment. Instead, have a nice relaxing hot tub, wash each other in the shower, make out all up in that ocean. Then when you’re all relaxed and dewy, throw yourself onto your nice dry sheets and get to it.
∎ Wait until the third date to have sex. Something about a cow and milk and free stuff … wait, we’re over this one already, right? Thanks, Tinder!
∎ Threesomes are the ultimate fantasy. People talk about being that “awkward third wheel” all the time. So, why do we think this equation will get less awkward if we subtract clothes and add sex? I’m sure I don’t have to twist your arm too hard to get you to imagine having a threesome, but really think about the logistics. Especially consider participants’ anatomy: what kind of positions are available to your collection of dirty bits? Is everyone always involved? Or is it usually two people doing “stuff” while ol’ faithful awkward third wheel is just there, trying to kiss something — anything! — just to feel included. (“Does anyone need some water? A snack? Okay, cool …”) Instead, have a foursome. Even numbers will always ensure that everyone has the opportunity to be actively engaged. Plus, if someone needs to call out sick, you can still have that threesome because let’s admit it — scheduling group sex is a bitch.•
