Bizarro Briefs: A Year of Free Taco Bell

A year of free Taco Bell

We have an update regarding the man and his dog featured in last week’s Bizarro Briefs who survived five days in a car in the snow on nothing but Taco Bell Fire Sauce packets. Taco Bell this week released an odd statement, both announcing that they are giving the man “a well-deserved care package,” — free Taco Bell for a year — and also seeming to take credit for the man’s survival. “We know our sauce packets are amazing, but this takes it to a whole new level,” the statement read. The statement took care to point out that not only will they be providing the man with food, but also, “all the sauce packets that come with it.”

Before there were cat videos

This week saw the anniversary of the birth of New York City artist Wanda Gág (pronounced “jog,” of course), who wrote what is argued to be the oldest children’s picture book still in print. The topic was cats — a lot of them. What happened was this: an old man and an old woman live a full life in a house surrounded by flowers. The only thing missing in their lives is a “sweet little fluffy cat.” The man goes out and finds not one, but “millions and billions and trillions of cats,” and brings them all home. Problems ensue, and all of the cats eat each other. Except for one — the ugliest one — who just needs milk and love to become beautiful.

A dangerous selfie

We all know our phones are probably not good for us. For a Texas teenager, his phone almost cost him his life. Climbing the Margaret McDermott Bridge to post a photo to social media of the Dallas skyline, the teen went over the bridge’s concrete barriers and fell 50 feet. He wound up breaking his pelvis, fracturing a rib, puncturing a lung, lacerating his spleen, and worst of all for his future selfies, “I broke my face a whole bunch,” he told a reporter at a local television station. At the same time, he is grateful to be alive. Some aren’t so lucky. A recent study found that at least 250 people worldwide have died attempting to take selfies in the past six years, most of whom are men in their early 20s.

Don’t fly too close to the Ferris wheel

A pilot who crashed into an Australian Ferris wheel in 2011 is now suing the local city council for negligence. The pilot rammed into the 65-foot spinning carnival ride while several people were on the attraction, and is being sued himself by one of the riders who is claiming psychological damage from the episode. The council should have closed the airstrip as it should have known the Ferris wheel’s position would be hazardous to aircraft flying in and out. The pilot is claiming his own psychological trauma in his lawsuit, saying that he now experiences nightmares and “avoidance issues related to planes.”

Not very merry

A Pennsylvania man proved one thing to State Troopers near Pittsburgh — he doesn’t like Christmas music. Perhaps he had heard “Little Drummer Boy” or “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” one too many times, or perhaps March was just too late (early?) in his mind for “Jingle Bells.” Police arrested him after he attacked the driver of the vehicle he was in, putting an arm around the driver’s throat after the driver sang Christmas songs. Police found the man in such an agitated state that he refused to wear handcuffs and had to be taken down by sweeping his legs out from under him.

‘Don’t yell at me!’

Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Racer Nicholas Petit managed to get a major lead in the race, only to have it squandered because he was too harsh to one of his dogs. A dog Joey got into a fight with another dog and jumped it during a break on the way to one of the Bering Sea checkpoints. “I yelled at Joey, and everybody heard the yelling, and that doesn’t happen,” Petit said. After the tongue lashing, none of the dogs would move, so Petit was forced to set camp as the other teams erased his five-hour lead.

What’s that smell?

A Phoenix woman asleep in her apartment awoke to a strange odor of burning food and went to her kitchen to investigate. There she found a man she didn’t know cooking tortillas on the stove. The woman got her roommate and the two demanded the man leave. Instead, he walked to the balcony, where he ate a can of soup. Police arrested the man, who was reportedly highly intoxicated. There was no word on what became of the smoldering tortillas.

The head of the class

Police in Fargo, North Dakota, are investigating a bank robbery where the thief wore unusual attire — a maroon graduation robe. The man walked in at 8 in the morning, produced a note that said “give me money or I’ll shoot,” and then fled with an undisclosed amount of cash. No weapon was shown, according to police. Not bad, but we wish the robber had opted for a “reach for the stars”-type valedictory speech instead of a note, then fled to “Pomp and Circumstance.”

Lucky numbers

Sometimes you hear about people winning the lottery more than once. Rarely do you hear about them winning 30 times in the same day. But that’s what happened to a woman in Virginia, who said she saw the numbers 1-0-3-1 several times throughout the day. She bought 20 Pick 4 tickets what that combination, then decided to get 10 more for good measure. When the winning numbers rolled up, she collected the top prize of $5,000 — 30 times. That’s a total of $150,000. Not a bad haul for a bunch of $1 tickets.

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