What happened was that i and jake had went to the hardware store to get some more mice traps when we seen a big turtle in the road and since i did not want the turtle to get hit by a car i stopped the truck and told jake to move it but he did not want to move it and he said it was my turn to move the turtle b/c he moved the last one and furthermore who died and made me king of the turtles and in addition who else died and made him live in the land of the bossy turtle king.
Now, i will admit that i occasionaly will tell jake what to do and how to do it and where to do it and for how long and why and i will point out when things go wrong w/ the way he does things but that is b/c i so often know better than him what to do and so forth but that does not mean i am bossy nor a turtle king. Tho a turtle king wld be a fine thing to be.
but anyway, what the matter w/ jake is that he has been eaten up by this business w/ those NASA astronauts flying drunk and chasing each other across statelines and having affairs and generally acting like ruffians. Jake has did his time in the space program and it hurts him when these things happen b/c he takes it personal even tho he has did many of the same things. and that is why jake has been tetchy lately and so i got out of the car and picked up the turtle and i have to confess i did not look real close at the turtle until i had it picked up and seen that it was a snapper and i will tell you what: holding a 40 lb snapping turtle is like holding a dinorsaur and i will tell you what else: holding a dinorsour is like holding lightning.
This snapping turtle near abt took my hand off but i know how to hold a turtle pretty good and have held my share of snappers and so he cldnt get at me but i bet if it was you what picked up that snapper youd have made a stop at the emergency room to ask if they had any extra fingers around to attach you to.
So i moved the turtle and put it way off the road where no car cld hit it and it of course came after me like i knew it wld but b/c i am smart i ran away from the road and then circled back and altho it gave good chase i outrun it.
But then the damn thing doublebacked on me and we werent but 100 yards down the road when there it was again doing everything but holding up a stop sign. And jake rolled his eyes and said, Good job moving the turtle, turtle king, as if it was my fault that the turtle cld run like a fucking gazelle and then he got out to move the turtle. And i have got to hand it to jake b/c he has got a way of soothing turtles and he just picked up that snapper and set it pretty as pie on the side of the road and off we went.
I am sorry to have sworn a moment ago but sometimes the choice words are the words you choose.
Anyhow then i and jake went to the hardware store and then we went to sportsmens lounge and talked abt the snapper and what a mean snapper it was and we had some beers and we peed a couple times and it was only after i started itching and boiling up that i realized i shld have washed my hands after handling that snapper b/c it was clear that snapper had been wandering thru a heap of poison ivy and i had got it on my hands and then got it on my whatsis and my youknows, and altho that snapper had not got a good bit of my fingers it sure was having its revenge on my thingamajig and i have got to tell you that i wld have rathered losing a finger than to go thru what i am going thru right now, which no amount of calomine lotion can fix and it is the same way w/ jake.
I and jake are in agony.
I wld like to rip my haha right off. when i told dody that she said if i did i better bury it a long way away and wash my hands real good before coming back.
I have got to stop writing this so i can go outside and scream again, which is the only thing i can do that makes me feel better. I can hear jake out there doing the same right this very second.
