There’s a right way and a wrong way to selfie, people. Selfies can either be a silly, fun way to document a moment or the epitome of narcissism. So, please, selfie posters, consider your audience and:
1. Do turn your face towards the light.
2. Do pass the camera to the longest arms in the group.
3. Do position your camera on a higher plane than your face. (Read: No matter how skinny you are, when you take shots from below, you look like Jabba the Hutt.)
4. Do put your clothes back on, Geraldo Rivera — no one asked for that.
5. Do think about your background. (Your dad’s beer belly doesn’t make for good background material.)
6. Do avoid duckface, unless of course it’s just your face.
7. Don’t face the camera fully frontwards — unless you want it to look like a police mug or bad ID photo.
8. Don’t take a sexy half-naked selfie with your child in the room.
9. Don’t take a selfie at a funeral, especially not one with the deceased.
10. Don’t take a smiling selfie at Auschwitz.
11. Don’t take a selfie of your face after a fight. No one wants to see your gross-ass stitches.
12. Don’t take a selfie in the bathroom. Why? Just, why?
13. Don’t take more than three selfies in public. One is bad enough.
14. Don’t take a selfie with a selfie stick, unless it’s a selfie of you looking ridiculous while you use a selfie stick.
15. Don’t take a selfie in front of a spectacular tourist destination while completely blocking the view of same.
16. Don’t take selfies if you’re a 56-year-old dad and your children have been kind enough to friend you on Facebook. Or if you do, please don’t post them anywhere on that thing you quaintly refer to as the World Wide Web.•
