The V-Spot
The V-Spot: I Keep Falling for Straight Girls
Hi Yana, I’m a 20-year-old student at one of the local women’s colleges. I’m gay and have been out for five years, though I’ve never dated anyone. I figured that it wouldn’t be too tricky to find someone here, since there’s a pretty large population of people who...
The V-Spot: I’m So Excited and…
Hey Yana, I just read a list of codependent behaviors on the internet and realized a ton of them describe the ways I have navigated/still navigate my relationships. Particularly: getting upset/stressed about other people’s problems and trauma, abandoning my...
Valley V-Spot: My Partner is a Porn Addict, Now What?
Hi Yana, My partner has struggled with a pornography/masturbation addiction since he was a teen. I’m not against self pleasure. In fact, I believe it’s important and wonderful for everyone to experience, even when partnered. We’ve been together for 4 years, and our...
The V-Spot: How Do I Make Sexual Suggestions?
Dear Yana, I’m a 30-something guy in a long-term relationship with a bisexual woman. She’s got a high sex drive and wants to have sex almost constantly. My desire doesn’t really match up with hers but I wonder if the issue is really that her sexual techniques don’t...
V-Spot: Watching Porn in Public with Bella Vendetta (NSFW Trailer Included)
Editor’s note: This week instead of answering a reader question, Yana writes about an event she co-sponsored involving, well … read on! It’s not what you’d expect — this whole watching porn in a room full of strangers with your friends thing. On Saturday night,...
V-Spot: No Place for Your O-Face
Dear Yana, I recently had an ~interesting~ first sexual encounter with a man. We had been talking for a couple weeks and it was our second date, and it was all going pretty well. So far we seem to connect pretty well on an intellectual level and there was some great...
Valley V-Spot: Facing Jelly as a Poly
Hi Yana, I’m newly in a poly triangle with two dear friends. We’re all very open about how we view partnership and love in all forms, and I didn’t hold any jealousy for their relationship until recently. Before I was a part of the relationship I wasn’t at all jealous...
The V-Spot: Healing an Ex-Shaped Hole in the Heart
It’s been over a year now since I got my heart stomped by my ex-girlfriend. We were together for 11 years and our relationship ended very badly. Even after such a long term relationship, I’m still pretty young — in my mid-30s — and I’m pretty sure I’m a catch. But,...
The V-Spot: Real Sex-ed for Students
I recently moved into my aunt’s house, and I now live with my 16-year-old female cousin. Being in her life now makes me realize that I can give her advice on her first relationships and her first love … possibly. When I was 16, I wish I could have had someone in...
The V-Spot: Is My Romance Dead?
I know your column is mainly about sex, but for me, it’s all about the romance. I’ve been struggling for decades to balance my love of flowers, dancing, and candlelight with my love of a husband who struggles with intimacy (for good reasons) and who promises me these...
The V-Spot: IPAs Run My Sex Life
Editor’s Note: This column refers to sexual trauma responses. Hi Yana, My girlfriend and I have been together for four months, but lately I’ve been noticing we’ve only been having sex when we’re drinking. Nothing to put consent into question for either of us, of...
The V-Spot: Too Many Orgasms and Leg Cramps
I have a little bit of a problem that most people wouldn’t consider a problem, so there aren’t a lot of resources for me. I am extremely orgasmic. Now, of course, I’m grateful for this and all, but it’s to the point that I usually come like 10-plus times during...
The V-Spot: My BF Won’t Go Down on Me
Hi Yana, My boyfriend refuses to go down on me. As a bisexual woman who has been in long term relationships with women, it’s something I miss. I bring it up and he gets defensive about it. I’m always down to give the blow jobs and don’t believe in not doing so just...
V-Spot: How Do I Make My Orgasms Come Back?
Dear Yana, I’m a single woman in my late twenties, with no relationships on the horizon. But that’s OK, because I have a super intense, cordless Hitachi that I’m in love with. Problem is, recently, whenever I have attempted to reach orgasm, it never comes. I get the...
V-Spot: My Doc Won’t Give Me A Vasectomy!
Hi Yana, What can we do to build our case to hesitant doctors to perform vasectomies on young people (between 18-25 years old)? What would you recommend to someone interested in this procedure? I have been trying to get my GP (general practitioner) on board since my...
V-Spot: A Question From The Mono-Poly Guy
Hi Yana, I always thought of myself as a monogamous person who sometimes dabbled with non-monogamy, but lately I’ve really been struggling to determine just what my “relationship paradigm” is. It started when I was in a non-mono relationship that transitioned to a...
The V-Spot: How Do I End a Perfectly Fine Relationship?
How does one respectfully remove themselves from a relationship that in fact does not have any huge problems? I’m with a righteous man who checks a lot of boxes but doesn’t get me excited. I enjoy his company, we have a great time and do a lot of cultural things. The...
V-Spot: Your Campfire Sex Life
I love reading all of your stuff. I was wondering if you had any advice on getting back into a sexual relationship. My partner and I have been together for over four years and our sex has fizzled out a bit. I think now we feel really nervous about it and don’t know...
V-Spot: He’s Afraid to Cuddle
Hi Yana, My partner and I have different sex drives. I could have sex four to six times a week, while he feels more comfortable with about two. In the beginning, we had a lot of sex and I was ecstatic thinking that our sex drives were more matched. Now, not so much. I...
The V-Spot: Do I Talk Too Much in Bed?
I recently started going out with this girl, but it already feels like we are magnets to one another (both inside and outside of the bedroom). But the last time we had sex an issue came up that broke up that magnet-like feeling for me. I’m someone who really wants to...
How Does a Shy Girl Ask for the Sex She Wants?
Check out a video of Yana’s Q&A with the Valley Advocate. Hi Yana, I’m a bisexual woman in a LTR with another woman. My issue is that I’m super bashful when it comes to asking for what I want during sex. I’ve been partnered for a while now and even though...
The V-Spot: He’s Monogamous, I’m Polyamorous — Can This Work?
Hi Yana! I’m currently in a mono-poly relationship. My primary partner is monogamous and has no interest in being with other people. He is reading More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert and is searching for resources when feelings of jealousy or envy come up....
Should I Date Someone I’m Not Attracted To?
I met a girl on a dating app. It was sort of an accidental swipe, but we started chatting and met up. She was really cool to hang out with, but physically, I didn’t find her very attractive. We kept talking and started spending time together. Now it has been a...
The V-Spot: How To Be Curvy And Confident
Hi Yana! I’m a chubby cis-woman in my late 20s. I lately worked through struggling with my body image and relationship to food while healing from years of disordered eating. I’ve been doing really well lately, but sadly one of the things that used to trigger my eating...
V-Spot: How Do I Ask Him to Rim?
I’ve been with my husband for a long time and there’s one thing in the bed we did kind of once that I’d like to do again, but I feel weird about asking for it. Basically, I want to be rimmed, but as this is something I would not want to do for him, I feel like I can’t...
V-Spot: How To Make Your Own Lube
Editor’s Note: While V-Spot sex pert Yana Tallon-Hicks is away on vacation, the Advocate is re-running one of her most popular columns ever, a 2013 story on how to make sexual lubrication, “Farmers Lube,” using household items. On my kitchen counter is a glass jar...
The V-Spot: Does That Guy Ask Everyone Out?
Where is the line between “If you like someone, ask them out!” and “Oh, that guy asks everyone out”??? — Master Dater From your question, it sounds like you like a lot of people. Maybe you’re getting some flack for that from friends or foes? True, you don’t want to...
The V-Spot: Should I Dump My Triad?
I’m a bisexual woman and I’m the third wheel to a married bisexual male couple. We’ve been dating for about a year-and-a-half and so far things have been running pretty smoothly. We see each other two or three times a week for dates, group sex, and just regular...
The V-Spot: Am I Gay/Queer Because of Sexual Trauma?
Editor’s Note: This column addresses rape, childhood sexual abuse, PTSD, and sexual orientation as a symptom of trauma. I’m in my late teens and have identified as gay/queer for the last few years. I have dated/hooked up with a few non-binary folks and trans guys, but...
The V-Spot: How Do I Introduce My Girlfriend To Polyamory?
I recently began a polyamorous relationship with my girlfriend. We dated previously, but things didn’t work out due to extenuating circumstances, but we remained friends. We’ve recently gotten back together with a different foundation to the relationship. She...
The V-Spot: My Sex Drive’s Back But My BF’s Isn’t
Writer’s note: This column mentions depression and suicidality. When me and my BF first got together about a year and a half ago, we were having the best sex of our lives! Then I decided with the help of my therapist that I needed to be medicated due to suicidal...
V-Spot: Am I Queer or a Fraud?
Over the past year, I’ve thought a lot about my sexuality. Recently, I came across the term “heteroflexible” and immediately, I felt like I identified with it more than any other sexual orientation I previously knew about. However, I continue to feel invalidated by my...
Pee or ‘squirt’? Understanding female ejaculation
I started masturbating when I was in high school and there would be times where something would feel good, but then I would feel my muscles relax and suddenly my bed would be wet with pee — sometimes a lot of pee. It was like in certain positions I had no control over...
The V-Spot: When Did I Get on the Relationship Escalator?
I have a few questions about monogamy. I guess, part of it stemming from a recent post I saw on your Instagram — @the_vspot — about “The Relationship Escalator,” polyamory, and monogamy. In my last partnership, my partner and I were very intentional about not falling...
The V-Spot: Our Sex Is All About Him
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and we’re best friends. Mutual respect exists in almost every way between us. Sometimes, however, the sex feels, well, sexist. First, he enjoys watching porn together, but I really don’t. However, he always tries to...
The V-Spot: When it Comes to Self-Lovin’ What’s Better: Lube or Lotion?
I recently saw a guy friend masturbating with lotion instead of lube and was wondering if lube would be a better alternative for him. If so, could you explain why? — A Little Help for My Masturbating Friends One of my favorite conversations to strike up with my...
The V-Spot: I’m Hot; He’s Cold: Clash of the Libidos
I recently started dating somebody who ticks nearly all of the “right” boxes for me. This is the first time since breaking up with my sweetheart of over two years that I’ve felt this way, and it’s really exciting. There’s only one hiccup: He prefers...
The V-Spot: Am I in a Healthy Open Relationship?
I’m in a happy, long-distance monogam-ish relationship with the human of my dreams. Really; things are so good. This is my first time having an open relationship, and I think we talk through things really well and effectively. He has several partners — all of which...
The V-Spot: How Do We Get the Mood Back?
Hi Yana, My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. We moved in together six months ago into our new home in New Mexico. But, I’m really not feeling our sex life lately. I feel bad because my boyfriend is amazing, but I’m never ever in the mood to...
The V-Spot: My Boyfriend Might Be Gay. Should I Care?
I recently began “dating” my best guy friend over this winter break. He’s told me that he was raised by a super religious mom and that when he was younger he “rebelled,” and experimented with other men, which he blamed on his homophobic upbringing. He told me he’s had...
The V-Spot: How to Have a Discussion about Self Lovin’
I’m a 19-year-old male college student. I just started to masturbate, but I don’t know how other people will react if I get into a relationship with them and tell them about this. I would like to know how to be fully comfortable with pleasuring myself as well as see...
The V-Spot: Open Sex, Closed Convos
I’ve been in an on-again/off-again, oftentimes long-distance, relationship with my for-now ex-boyfriend for six years. Right now we have a “when we’re together, we’re together” arrangement and we’ve defined our relationship as open in the past.Well, things are...
The V-Spot: Finding a Less-Intense Vibrator
Bad Vibes Dear Yana,I want a new vibrator. The problem is that my body is SO sensitive that even the first setting on all of them are way too intense for me. I could do it manually, but I’m lazy. Advice? — Vibrators Can Buzz Off Dear Buzz Off, First thing’s first:...
The V-Spot: Like a Virgin
Dear Yana, I’m a 19-year-old girl who has never had sex. I want to sleep with my boyfriend, 23. He’s had sex before, but doesn’t know I’m a virgin. I don’t really want him to know I’m a virgin, but I know I’ll probably have to tell him. The only reason I haven’t told...
The V-Spot: How Do I Leave My Husband?
Hi Yana, I’ve been with my husband for a decade. We married young and, in a lot of ways, he’s a great guy and right for me. But I still want to leave. I did leave once a few years ago and he put me on a major guilt trip until I came home. Things have been better, but...
The V-Spot: I Told My Boyfriend I’d Try Monogamy, But …
Hi Yana, I’m in a relationship with someone who I really love and we’ve been together for three-ish months. Before we started dating he knew I wasn’t a huge fan of monogamy, but I agreed I would try and now I’m feeling trapped. He’s so important to me and I don’t want...
The V-Spot: The Fast and the Curious
Sometimes, when I’m in the mood to masturbate, I enjoy watching porn. The problem is when I do, it literally takes me no time to orgasm. Yesterday, I was feeling in the mood to enjoy myself. So, I started browsing some videos.I barely started touching myself and felt...
The V-Spot: Seeking Sex-Positive Ed for My Niece
Hey Yana, Over Thanksgiving I spent some time with my awesome 18-year-old niece. I’m in need of your wisdom about a situation I’m trying to wrap my 30-year-old, feminist, protective brain around. My niece lives in a small town, far from her friends, and has been...
The V-Spot: My Guy Shoots the Moon Too Soon
Hi, Yana! I’m a 22-year-old woman in a hetero relationship with a guy I’ve been seeing for almost a year. We have a loving and communicative sex life, but are perplexed by a persisting issue! When we are fooling around, he occasionally ejaculates early...
The V-Spot: My BF Hangs with my Ex-BFF
Hi Yana, I used to have a very toxic friendship with one of my female friends. She always made jokes at my expense, was very judgemental, temperamental, and didn’t show me much respect. I cut off ties with her, but she and my boyfriend of over two years are...
The V-Spot: Our Post-Abortion Sex Life
I got pregnant this past summer after my birth control failed — I got to be part of that lucky 0.04 percent of IUD users who this happens to. I got the pregnancy terminated and all is well. Or, I guess mostly well. The issue is my partner and I have both been having...
The V-Spot: I’m a Queer Woman in a Hetero Marriage
I’ve been thinking about writing to you for a long time. My husband and I are about to celebrate 11 years as a couple and we’ve been married for six. It’s been amazing and so much fun to spend all of this time on planet Earth with such a soul-mate dreamboat of a life...
The V-Spot: Are We Ready for a Threesome?
Me and my boyfriend of two years are looking to have a threesome. We are wanting to try it with a female, and a male. We are wanting to do this to enhance our sex life, and are not looking to add anyone into our relationship. We are both very open and honest with each...
The V-Spot: How Do I Get Better At Poly?
Hi Yana, I heard you on Dawn Serra’s podcast Sex Gets Real and really appreciated what you had to say about personal boundaries in new polyamorous relationships. I’m a straight guy and my wife just started sleeping with another woman a couple of months ago. I thought...
The V-Spot: Staying Sexy in Our 60s
Hi Yana, I am a 66-year-old man who is in love, and in a new relationship, with a very sexually active 60-year-old woman. I have come to the conclusion that I could use some help in fulfilling her sexual needs. Can you recommend any particular vibrators and/or other...
The V-Spot: My Man’s Got Herpes; Now What?
I’ve recently begun a relationship with a man who has herpes. It’s unclear if it’s HSV-1 or -2 or both. He has scheduled an appointment with his doctor. I’ve been tested and am negative for that, hepatitis, and all other STDs. It’s important for me to know all the...
The V-Spot: My BF Is About to Leave Me; What Do I Do?
Hi Yana! My boyfriend and I are approaching our four year anniversary. He recently called me and asked if he could vent to me about what he’s been feeling. He got diagnosed with anxiety and depression this past summer, but stopped going to therapy when he went back to...
The V-Spot: Let’s Do Munch!
Hey Yana, I am totally new to BDSM [bondage and discipline/sadism and maso- chism]. Someone told me about a “munch” happening locally tomorrow night. They found it through the FetLife website and suggested I go. Do you know anything about these “munch” meetups? How...
The V-Spot: Help! I’ve DepoShot my Libido in the Foot
Hi Yana,I’ve been on the Depo shot for two months now and I have no sex drive. No desire whatsoever. I Googled it and it’s normal for women on the shot to feel this way.Do you have any tips or sex hacks to help me and my BF out? I’m sure he’s tired of coming home to...E-Edition
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