va23-vspot-20151
Local sex columnist Yana Tallon-Hicks‘ written sexpertise uses humor and wit to treat our sexual hangups, growth and education as a natural, fun part of our everyday.

The V-Spot: Does That Guy Ask Everyone Out?
May22

The V-Spot: Does That Guy Ask Everyone Out?

Where is the line between “If you like someone, ask them out!” and “Oh, that guy asks everyone out”???— Master DaterFrom your question, it sounds like you like a lot of people. Maybe you’re getting some flack for that from friends or foes? True, you don’t want to make your potential dates feel somehow unspecial because they saw you on campus asking out everyone else around you — and left them as the 24th person you’ve asked out in a...

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The V-Spot: Should I Dump My Triad?
May15

The V-Spot: Should I Dump My Triad?

I’m a bisexual woman and I’m the third wheel to a married bisexual male couple. We’ve been dating for about a year-and-a-half and so far things have been running pretty smoothly. We see each other two or three times a week for dates, group sex, and just regular hanging out. I have casual sex with other people and am available to date, but just haven’t done that with anyone else yet.Okay, so here’s the issue: Sometimes I feel sort of...

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The V-Spot: Am I Gay/Queer Because of Sexual Trauma?
May08

The V-Spot: Am I Gay/Queer Because of Sexual Trauma?

Editor’s Note: This column addresses rape, childhood sexual abuse, PTSD, and sexual orientation as a symptom of trauma.I’m in my late teens and have identified as gay/queer for the last few years. I have dated/hooked up with a few non-binary folks and trans guys, but they’ve all had vaginas.Recently I’ve been questioning my orientation. It’s more complicated than simply saying, “Oh hey, I like this (cis) guy, cool.” I was sexually...

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The V-Spot: How Do I Introduce My Girlfriend To Polyamory?
May01

The V-Spot: How Do I Introduce My Girlfriend To Polyamory?

I recently began a polyamorous relationship with my girlfriend. We dated previously, but things didn’t work out due to extenuating circumstances, but we remained friends. We’ve recently gotten back together with a different foundation to the relationship. She had not previously had any interest in non-monogamy, but is now much more open to it. What advice can I pass on to her that may help her better establish her thoughts about...

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The V-Spot: My Sex Drive’s Back But My BF’s Isn’t
Apr24

The V-Spot: My Sex Drive’s Back But My BF’s Isn’t

Writer’s note: This column mentions depression and suicidality. When me and my BF first got together about a year and a half ago, we were having the best sex of our lives! Then I decided with the help of my therapist that I needed to be medicated due to suicidal thoughts and anxiety/depression. The medication helped a lot with my mental illness, but unfortunately it made my sex drive plummet. I was still able and happy to get my man...

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V-Spot: Am I Queer or a Fraud?
Apr18

V-Spot: Am I Queer or a Fraud?

Over the past year, I’ve thought a lot about my sexuality. Recently, I came across the term “heteroflexible” and immediately, I felt like I identified with it more than any other sexual orientation I previously knew about.However, I continue to feel invalidated by my lack of sexual experience with people who are the same gender. I know sexuality isn’t defined by our experiences but by what we think and how we feel. But I can’t help...

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Pee or ‘squirt’? Understanding female ejaculation
Apr10

Pee or ‘squirt’? Understanding female ejaculation

I started masturbating when I was in high school and there would be times where something would feel good, but then I would feel my muscles relax and suddenly my bed would be wet with pee — sometimes a lot of pee. It was like in certain positions I had no control over keeping pee in my body. Sometimes it even happened if I peed before I masturbated! Then it happened in partner sex. I was having sex with someone with a penis, I was on...

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The V-Spot: When Did I Get on the Relationship Escalator?
Apr03

The V-Spot: When Did I Get on the Relationship Escalator?

I have a few questions about monogamy. I guess, part of it stemming from a recent post I saw on your Instagram — @the_vspot — about “The Relationship Escalator,” polyamory, and monogamy. In my last partnership, my partner and I were very intentional about not falling into that trajectory, but now I think that The Relationship Escalator is something that I want.Can The Relationship Escalator coexist alongside actively constructing your...

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The V-Spot: Our Sex Is All About Him
Mar27

The V-Spot: Our Sex Is All About Him

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and we’re best friends. Mutual respect exists in almost every way between us. Sometimes, however, the sex feels, well, sexist. First, he enjoys watching porn together, but I really don’t. However, he always tries to initiate porn watching even though I’ve told him I don’t enjoy it. Secondly, I perform far more oral sex than he does. He rarely performs oral or hand sex on me, and when...

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The V-Spot: When it Comes to Self-Lovin’ What’s Better: Lube or Lotion?
Mar20

The V-Spot: When it Comes to Self-Lovin’ What’s Better: Lube or Lotion?

I recently saw a guy friend masturbating with lotion instead of lube and was wondering if lube would be a better alternative for him. If so, could you explain why? — A Little Help for My  Masturbating Friends One of my favorite conversations to strike up with my penis-equipped friends is: What ever did you do with your penis during your sexual exploration period? If I had had a penis during my teenaged sexual development ages, I’m...

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The V-Spot: I’m Hot; He’s Cold: Clash of the Libidos
Mar13

The V-Spot: I’m Hot; He’s Cold: Clash of the Libidos

I recently started dating somebody who ticks nearly all of the “right” boxes for me. This is the first time since breaking up with my sweetheart of over two years that I’ve felt this way, and it’s really exciting. There’s only one hiccup: He prefers to cuddle; I’d have sex twice a day if I could.We talked about this shortly after we started seeing each other, and it seems like things are workable, at least for...

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The V-Spot: Am I in a Healthy Open Relationship?
Mar06

The V-Spot: Am I in a Healthy Open Relationship?

I’m in a happy, long-distance monogam-ish relationship with the human of my dreams. Really; things are so good. This is my first time having an open relationship, and I think we talk through things really well and effectively. He has several partners — all of which I’ve met and adore — and I can say really genuinely that I’m happy that he has these other sexual relationships in his life. The thing is, even though I was the person to...

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The V-Spot: How Do We Get the Mood Back?
Feb27

The V-Spot: How Do We Get the Mood Back?

Hi Yana,My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. We moved in together six months ago into our new home in New Mexico. But, I’m really not feeling our sex life lately. I feel bad because my boyfriend is amazing, but I’m never ever in the mood to have sex. Lately, we have sex once a month and it’s only because I feel bad so I just pretend. Is there anything I can do? We’re a rather conservative couple,...

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The V-Spot: My Boyfriend Might Be Gay. Should I Care?
Feb20

The V-Spot: My Boyfriend Might Be Gay. Should I Care?

I recently began “dating” my best guy friend over this winter break. He’s told me that he was raised by a super religious mom and that when he was younger he “rebelled,” and experimented with other men, which he blamed on his homophobic upbringing. He told me he’s had sex with another man, but has since concluded that he was straight. I didn’t ask many questions other than, “So, do you think you’re gay?” to which he responded, “No,...

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The V-Spot: How to Have a Discussion about Self Lovin’
Feb13

The V-Spot: How to Have a Discussion about Self Lovin’

I’m a 19-year-old male college student. I just started to masturbate, but I don’t know how other people will react if I get into a relationship with them and tell them about this. I would like to know how to be fully comfortable with pleasuring myself as well as see how to bring up masturbation in a relationship. Thank you! — Seeking Masturbation without Hesitation I’m reading your question in two different ways: the first is “How do...

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The V-Spot: Open Sex, Closed Convos
Feb06

The V-Spot: Open Sex, Closed Convos

I’ve been in an on-again/off-again, oftentimes long-distance, relationship with my for-now ex-boyfriend for six years. Right now we have a “when we’re together, we’re together” arrangement and we’ve defined our relationship as open in the past.Well, things are shifting again and we’re thinking about moving toward being more seriously together, but still long-distance and open. If we decide to get back together, I’d like one of my...

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The V-Spot: Finding a Less-Intense Vibrator
Jan30

The V-Spot: Finding a Less-Intense Vibrator

Bad VibesDear Yana,I want a new vibrator. The problem is that my body is SO sensitive that even the first setting on all of them are way too intense for me. I could do it manually, but I’m lazy. Advice? — Vibrators Can Buzz OffDear Buzz Off, First thing’s first: your body and how it experiences pleasure is never a problem! The various accoutrements available to us via the adult industry are there to enhance our pleasure and amusement,...

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The V-Spot: Like a Virgin
Jan23

The V-Spot: Like a Virgin

Dear Yana, I’m a 19-year-old girl who has never had sex. I want to sleep with my boyfriend, 23. He’s had sex before, but doesn’t know I’m a virgin. I don’t really want him to know I’m a virgin, but I know I’ll probably have to tell him. The only reason I haven’t told him is because everyone kind of assumes I’m not a virgin since everyone says I’m pretty. We’ve done other things, but never gone all the way. I’m excited about having sex...

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The V-Spot: How Do I Leave My Husband?
Jan16

The V-Spot: How Do I Leave My Husband?

Hi Yana, I’ve been with my husband for a decade. We married young and, in a lot of ways, he’s a great guy and right for me. But I still want to leave. I did leave once a few years ago and he put me on a major guilt trip until I came home. Things have been better, but I’m still not happy. I feel completely obligated to him because he has no friends and I’m his whole world. I know me leaving would devastate him, but I also know I can’t...

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The V-Spot: I Told My Boyfriend I’d Try Monogamy, But …
Jan09

The V-Spot: I Told My Boyfriend I’d Try Monogamy, But …

Hi Yana,I’m in a relationship with someone who I really love and we’ve been together for three-ish months. Before we started dating he knew I wasn’t a huge fan of monogamy, but I agreed I would try and now I’m feeling trapped. He’s so important to me and I don’t want to lose him. I guess I don’t know how to talk to him about it because I want to be in an open relationship, but I’m worried he will get super mad. Help! — Oh No, I’m...

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The V-Spot: The Fast and the Curious
Jan03

The V-Spot: The Fast and the Curious

Sometimes, when I’m in the mood to masturbate, I enjoy watching porn. The problem is when I do, it literally takes me no time to orgasm. Yesterday, I was feeling in the mood to enjoy myself. So, I started browsing some videos.I barely started touching myself and felt the urge to orgasm in a matter of seconds. I stopped and tried to calm myself down, but it was too late. My body responded even without the stimulationI’m a female in a...

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The V-Spot: Seeking Sex-Positive Ed for My Niece
Dec27

The V-Spot: Seeking Sex-Positive Ed for My Niece

Hey Yana,Over Thanksgiving I spent some time with my awesome 18-year-old niece. I’m in need of your wisdom about a situation I’m trying to wrap my 30-year-old, feminist, protective brain around.My niece lives in a small town, far from her friends, and has been dealing with some depression. She told me that she’s been driving to meet up and have sex with dudes from Tinder. There have been at least two. I think they’re...

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The V-Spot: My Guy Shoots the Moon Too Soon
Dec19

The V-Spot: My Guy Shoots the Moon Too Soon

Hi, Yana!I’m a 22-year-old woman in a hetero relationship with a guy I’ve been seeing for almost a year. We have a loving and communicative sex life, but are perplexed by a persisting issue! When we are fooling around, he occasionally ejaculates early and/or unexpectedly. He says it still feels like a full orgasm, but sometimes doesn’t even feel that good. We’ve had a hard time identifying when and why it...

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The V-Spot: My BF Hangs with my Ex-BFF
Dec12

The V-Spot: My BF Hangs with my Ex-BFF

Hi Yana,I used to have a very toxic friendship with one of my female friends. She always made jokes at my expense, was very judgemental, temperamental, and didn’t show me much respect. I cut off ties with her, but she and my boyfriend of over two years are still friends.I don’t tell my boyfriend not to see her or contact her, because that would be toxic, but it does make me very uncomfortable for them to hang out together....

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The V-Spot: Our Post-Abortion Sex Life
Dec05

The V-Spot: Our Post-Abortion Sex Life

I got pregnant this past summer after my birth control failed — I got to be part of that lucky 0.04 percent of IUD users who this happens to. I got the pregnancy terminated and all is well. Or, I guess mostly well. The issue is my partner and I have both been having some anxiety about having sex after what happened. Having an abortion was 10,000-percent the right decision, but, of course, dealing with an unplanned pregnancy was a...

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The V-Spot: I’m a Queer Woman in a Hetero Marriage
Nov28

The V-Spot: I’m a Queer Woman in a Hetero Marriage

I’ve been thinking about writing to you for a long time. My husband and I are about to celebrate 11 years as a couple and we’ve been married for six. It’s been amazing and so much fun to spend all of this time on planet Earth with such a soul-mate dreamboat of a life partner.And also: I just keep wanting to hook up with other people.Five years ago, I hooked up with someone. And then I hooked up with someone else a couple years later....

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The V-Spot: Are We Ready for a Threesome?
Nov21

The V-Spot: Are We Ready for a Threesome?

Me and my boyfriend of two years are looking to have a threesome. We are wanting to try it with a female, and a male. We are wanting to do this to enhance our sex life, and are not looking to add anyone into our relationship. We are both very open and honest with each other and think this would be a lot of fun for both of us.But we both have a little tinge of fear of it complicating our relationship. I’ve heard it a million times:...

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The V-Spot: How Do I Get Better At Poly?
Nov14

The V-Spot: How Do I Get Better At Poly?

Hi Yana,I heard you on Dawn Serra’s podcast Sex Gets Real and really appreciated what you had to say about personal boundaries in new polyamorous relationships. I’m a straight guy and my wife just started sleeping with another woman a couple of months ago. I thought I would be fine with it, but then when they started having real feelings for each other I got super jealous and asked my wife to stop seeing her.Now my wife is really...

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The V-Spot: Staying Sexy in Our 60s
Nov07

The V-Spot: Staying Sexy in Our 60s

Hi Yana, I am a 66-year-old man who is in love, and in a new relationship, with a very sexually active 60-year-old woman. I have come to the conclusion that I could use some help in fulfilling her sexual needs. Can you recommend any particular vibrators and/or other toys? Also, where can I purchase them?— Fell in love after all these years Hurray for thriving sex drives after 60! Our youth- and sex-obsessed culture does a great job of...

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The V-Spot: My Man’s Got Herpes; Now What?
Oct31

The V-Spot: My Man’s Got Herpes; Now What?

I’ve recently begun a relationship with a man who has herpes. It’s unclear if it’s HSV-1 or -2 or both. He has scheduled an appointment with his doctor. I’ve been tested and am negative for that, hepatitis, and all other STDs.It’s important for me to know all the types of physical and sexual contact that do and don’t have a high herpes transmission possibility. His hands, feet, chest? Interested in ideas and where they fall on a scale...

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The V-Spot: My BF Is About to Leave Me; What Do I Do?
Oct24

The V-Spot: My BF Is About to Leave Me; What Do I Do?

Hi Yana!My boyfriend and I are approaching our four year anniversary. He recently called me and asked if he could vent to me about what he’s been feeling. He got diagnosed with anxiety and depression this past summer, but stopped going to therapy when he went back to school; so, I was glad he wanted to talk to me.He told me that he didn’t know if he was in our relationship because he loves me or if he is just trying to keep me...

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The V-Spot: Let’s Do Munch!
Oct17

The V-Spot: Let’s Do Munch!

Hey Yana, I am totally new to BDSM [bondage and discipline/sadism and maso- chism]. Someone told me about a “munch” happening locally tomorrow night. They found it through the FetLife website and suggested I go. Do you know anything about these “munch” meetups? How safe are they? I am Northampton based, looking to connect with other BDSM folks. Do you have any suggestions on how else I can do this?— Curious Munchkin A “munch” is...

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The V-Spot: Help! I’ve DepoShot my Libido in the Foot
Oct10

The V-Spot: Help! I’ve DepoShot my Libido in the Foot

Hi Yana,I’ve been on the Depo shot for two months now and I have no sex drive. No desire whatsoever. I Googled it and it’s normal for women on the shot to feel this way.Do you have any tips or sex hacks to help me and my BF out? I’m sure he’s tired of coming home to me not wanting to do it.– Feelin’ Low on the Depo Dear Feelin’ Low,There are a number of reasons why you may be experiencing this noted side effect of the Depo-Provera...

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The V-Spot: I’m Dating Three Women; Does That Make Me Polyamorous?
Sep26

The V-Spot: I’m Dating Three Women; Does That Make Me Polyamorous?

I’m a 38 yo male currently involved with three women. One is a long distance relationship. We met at a concert and had one night together and stayed in touch. We speak regularly on various chat and texts. Two is a nonsexual relationship. She spends the night and we spoon. We have some common interests, but that’s it. And Three I met on an online dating site. We go out and have sex once or twice a week. On one hand I feel like...

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The V-Spot: SOS! I’m Spaced Out During Sex
Oct03

The V-Spot: SOS! I’m Spaced Out During Sex

Yana, I need your expertise!I’m a 19-year-old guy in a hetero relationship. I was pleasuring my partner last night and I realized I stopped being present and could not become present again. She picked up on it and, well, I really wanted to be present for it but I seemed to be stuck in my head, which didn’t make her feel good and wanted. Do you know how I can become more present while sexually active?— Spaced Out Sexually There...

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